Waiting for him to arrive on that day, the day he was to come and stay with me, was different. After I came home from work I bustled around the house and thoughts went back in time and wondered how it could or would have been. I often think how excited I would have been waiting for him to come home from work! As I tinkered around doing last minute things waiting for him the excitement grew and I watched out the door every couple of minutes to see if his truck was pulling in the lot yet!
Oh! When it did I felt like that young twenty one year old waiting here for him to come over every night. Yes it was the same house he had spent so much time with me as young adults. My parents, my sister and brother and my baby, he spent many nights here with all of us watching TV and just "hanging out." We should have known then it was love but we were young and did not understand, or maybe both of us were just too shy to say anything.
Looking back now, how I wished I had told him how much I cared about him, how important he was to me, and how much I liked being with him. Shy and insecure I was afraid he would laugh at me and leave me alone, funny how we drifted apart anyway!
Just drifted apart! Never an argument, never a fight and we rarely ever disagreed on anything.
As I think back now, maybe, neither one of us was ready for that all encompassing love. We needed to experience life before we could ever realize what we have now and understand what we had then is not for the faint of heart. It is so intense it fills the heart and soul up to the point of almost being painful.
How, when we were young could we have ever understood that? Only now after the heartaches, and the pains suffered could we get it! Get it! that what we have is so very special!
A love so deep it reaches to the core of my being. A love that has transcended time and distance! A love which has endured the tests of time apart and picked up right were we left off so many years ago!
We just spent the most glorious fifteen days together! He stayed with me because of the commitments I have at work and home. I need to get packing while still working full time. It was difficult leaving for work every day while he was here but, it was so much better knowing he was here when I came home after a long day. Sure we still talked, and text during the day, seems like we never run out of things to say to each other.
During those fifteen days we learned we could live together! I know he was bored while I worked. I know he wished he was at his house! What a sacrifice he made to be here and how I appreciate that! We are so alike in the feeling we both like to be home, so I know how difficult it was for him.
I also am so grateful I did not have to wait three weeks to spend time with him.
We did simple things like any old married couple would do, eat dinner, watch TV at night and fall asleep on the couch. Some nights I would doze off and when I woke up I would catch him looking at me!
Looking at me like he could not believe it was me napping on his leg while we were 'watching' TV. What a joy for me to see the love in his eyes as he watched me sleep. Pure, simply, undying love flowed out of his eyes. I would turn and he would just smile at me, knowing I had caught him looking at me, again!
I have never felt so loved and secure in the knowledge he would forever hold and cherish my heart and not break it. Just as I will with his! I will cherish his heart until the end of time!
I will be forever thankful for the love and time we have now, however long that may be! I have him, HIM, back in my life and I realize how very special a man he is! Still, every time I think to myself, it is him, my eyes fill up and I cry, tears of overwhelming emotion run down my face for the love I have, and the joy of being able to spend the rest of my life with him. Each and every day, morning and night I thank God for the gift I have been given, the privilege of him loving me!
Of course we went out to dinner a couple of times and it felt a little odd going out together, we did not go out while we were seeing each other so many years ago. We were always just happy being together! It never mattered what we did at all, only that we did it together. Dummy us we did not realize that was love. It was not the lustful love of the movies, it was not a fleeting feeling where once we were away it was forgotten. It was and still is a deep heart and soul kind of love.
This was wonderful and I despised the idea he had to leave. He had commitments at home and needed to be there. I counted the days when I was to drive up there.
Five! Five long days apart!
Five days before I could touch his face! Sit next to him! See him!
How would I make it? After waiting thirty five years could I survive five days?
I was not sure if my heart could take it again, this separation, of our lives.
Showing posts with label happiness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label happiness. Show all posts
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Thursday, September 26, 2013
I love my job BUT I love him more
I love my job, it never feels like work. I have been there for four years and counting.
I planned a career there!
I had a lot of respect for the company I work for and value the ethics and integrity of it. I have spent four years of training to move ahead into a full career there and loved every minute of it. Sure, there were days I would be worn out and wonder why, why was I doing it? But I still looked forward to the challenges of a new day. Looked forward to the solutions of the challenges each day brought with it. Yes, the money is good, but, by far the greatest part was the opportunities it allowed me.
Every day I looked forward to going in! The people there were part of my extended family. It was there I went when my mom was sick and dying for the comfort of friends. It was there I went when I felt sad or lonely, happy or excited, I shared my life there each and every day.
So this "new me" the happy me, the part of me which no one there has seen before took everyone by surprise. One of my coworkers said one time "it is great to hear you laugh, really laugh" "it is great to see you happy." I did not realize how much they paid attention to my sadness, to my emptiness. One of my coworkers said to me "we wanted you to be happy! We didn't want you to leave to do so" There in lies the dilemma!
I can't have it both! Distance is too far, a five and a half hour commute is beyond reason, and the closest store is still a two and a half hour drive.
So! A choice had to be made!
A choice I dreaded like the plague I wanted it both. Why could I not have it all? Who said? Where was it written I had to choose. For about two weeks I struggled with the idea of having to give up my job. What would I do? How do I choose?
One minute I was ready to chuck it all and move, in the very next second I wanted to keep my job.
How to decide? My job has made me what I am now and would I lose that if I stopped working? How would I be able not to go into the only place which made me feel good? How do I give up all the friendships I have formed there? Could I even do that? It felt as if I was giving up such a big part of me. For what? A relationship? Something I was never really good at anyway! Can I, or better yet will I be able to take this chance on love? Even a love so deep it has lasted for thirty eight years?
I soul searched, with his help, without any pressure from him. He would agree to anything I wanted. A love that strong for me is unbelievable. He just wanted me to be happy!
I struggled, would I resent the relationship if I gave up everything? Would I resent him? In the future would I change into a monster because I had given up such a big part of me? Would I resent my career and not enjoy it so much if I gave him up? Would it have the same meaning to me after giving up the love of my life? Was it possible I would leave it anyway in the future and then have neither?
Through the soul searching I did learn a lot about myself. I realized as much as I loved my job and career I loved him more. It was at that minute I decided there was not a dilemma at all.
When I sit quiet and ponder my future I see him there, not a job or a career, but HIM! I have learned that when something exciting happens I want to talk to HIM! If I am upset or sad I want to talk to HIM!
As I look forward I can only imagine a life full of this man I have love so deeply, not a job, or even a career. As I picture my life, in my minds eye, I see the things, we, as a team will do. I understand now the love of a lifetime which is not going to be lost this time. This is our time and nothing is going to take it away from me. I have decided to follow my own advice and follow my heart and soul.
Bittersweet I call it! I realize in an instant he is way more important to me, and I look to a life filled with him. Following my heart instead of my head is difficult, for the first time in my life I am able to support myself and live on my own. A life I have longed for. A career which I enjoy! People I respect! and yes I am chucking it all to follow my heart!
Because the bottom line is that I love him much, much more than my job. So there ends up not to be a dilemma at all! There is only one choice in the world for me. Get moving and pack up everything and move on. Move up to the mountain with the man I have loved all my adult life. Make it real and official, and be happier than I have been all my life.
And as always I thank God every waking minute he is back in my life. I thank God for the strength to do what I must to begin our lives together. I also look forward to a future filled with love and compassion! To a home filled with all the happiness we have to be together, without the need for anything else but each other!
I planned a career there!
I had a lot of respect for the company I work for and value the ethics and integrity of it. I have spent four years of training to move ahead into a full career there and loved every minute of it. Sure, there were days I would be worn out and wonder why, why was I doing it? But I still looked forward to the challenges of a new day. Looked forward to the solutions of the challenges each day brought with it. Yes, the money is good, but, by far the greatest part was the opportunities it allowed me.
Every day I looked forward to going in! The people there were part of my extended family. It was there I went when my mom was sick and dying for the comfort of friends. It was there I went when I felt sad or lonely, happy or excited, I shared my life there each and every day.
So this "new me" the happy me, the part of me which no one there has seen before took everyone by surprise. One of my coworkers said one time "it is great to hear you laugh, really laugh" "it is great to see you happy." I did not realize how much they paid attention to my sadness, to my emptiness. One of my coworkers said to me "we wanted you to be happy! We didn't want you to leave to do so" There in lies the dilemma!
I can't have it both! Distance is too far, a five and a half hour commute is beyond reason, and the closest store is still a two and a half hour drive.
So! A choice had to be made!
A choice I dreaded like the plague I wanted it both. Why could I not have it all? Who said? Where was it written I had to choose. For about two weeks I struggled with the idea of having to give up my job. What would I do? How do I choose?
One minute I was ready to chuck it all and move, in the very next second I wanted to keep my job.
How to decide? My job has made me what I am now and would I lose that if I stopped working? How would I be able not to go into the only place which made me feel good? How do I give up all the friendships I have formed there? Could I even do that? It felt as if I was giving up such a big part of me. For what? A relationship? Something I was never really good at anyway! Can I, or better yet will I be able to take this chance on love? Even a love so deep it has lasted for thirty eight years?
I soul searched, with his help, without any pressure from him. He would agree to anything I wanted. A love that strong for me is unbelievable. He just wanted me to be happy!
I struggled, would I resent the relationship if I gave up everything? Would I resent him? In the future would I change into a monster because I had given up such a big part of me? Would I resent my career and not enjoy it so much if I gave him up? Would it have the same meaning to me after giving up the love of my life? Was it possible I would leave it anyway in the future and then have neither?
Through the soul searching I did learn a lot about myself. I realized as much as I loved my job and career I loved him more. It was at that minute I decided there was not a dilemma at all.
When I sit quiet and ponder my future I see him there, not a job or a career, but HIM! I have learned that when something exciting happens I want to talk to HIM! If I am upset or sad I want to talk to HIM!
As I look forward I can only imagine a life full of this man I have love so deeply, not a job, or even a career. As I picture my life, in my minds eye, I see the things, we, as a team will do. I understand now the love of a lifetime which is not going to be lost this time. This is our time and nothing is going to take it away from me. I have decided to follow my own advice and follow my heart and soul.
Bittersweet I call it! I realize in an instant he is way more important to me, and I look to a life filled with him. Following my heart instead of my head is difficult, for the first time in my life I am able to support myself and live on my own. A life I have longed for. A career which I enjoy! People I respect! and yes I am chucking it all to follow my heart!
Because the bottom line is that I love him much, much more than my job. So there ends up not to be a dilemma at all! There is only one choice in the world for me. Get moving and pack up everything and move on. Move up to the mountain with the man I have loved all my adult life. Make it real and official, and be happier than I have been all my life.
And as always I thank God every waking minute he is back in my life. I thank God for the strength to do what I must to begin our lives together. I also look forward to a future filled with love and compassion! To a home filled with all the happiness we have to be together, without the need for anything else but each other!
Sunday, September 15, 2013
The Visists
Now, some days after that first visit, yes first of three, all in two weeks. I still had to come home to work.
Sounds funny driving almost six hours each way and talking about visits like he was around the corner.
Oh how I wish!
The first visit was magical! We caught up on things. Spent many hours awake, afraid to sleep, did not want to waste time. Time, so precious now since I was required to go back to the real world.. Some how during those five days I knew he was to become my 'real world' now!
My life was to change in ways I would never had expected!
We talked about me trying to get a transfer closer. I did think I could get closer than three hundred miles away. I could rent an apartment, I was already planning to move anyway, what did it matter where. Now that he was back in my life I knew the direction I wanted to go. No, I did not want to move in with him, I had vowed some years earlier I would never live with a man again, I just wanted to be closer. Maybe to see each other more than every few months. That was the reality of the situation.
Yes, He was and is the love of my life! Yes, he was, and still is my best friend, and he is who I want to share the silly things with, the really big things and the everyday things . But in the same house? Under the same roof? That, I was not sure of. Scared, petrified and excited would be the emotions I felt!
We just needed to figure out the logistics of the situation. I knew we would. I also knew I was not letting this slip out of my life again. I had made that mistake twice before and would not allow it again.... Older and wiser now, I knew I loved him beyond belief and now knew he felt the same.
Sitting on the porch over morning coffee we would stop talking and just look at each other, then reach out and touch. Just to know it was real. The intensity of the feelings were hard to imagine, even harder to believe. I know I was having a difficult time understanding where they were coming from. So much time had past! But as we sat there it was if our hearts had been connected for all that time!
Leaving there that time was, oh, so difficult.
Not knowing when I would see him again, not wanting for the "heaven" of us to be over I stalled for as long as I could.
Then the time came! Time to leave! I could put it off for no longer.
Pulling out of that driveway it felt as if I left my heart and soul there. The tears came! They were falling onto my lap before I was even to the end. Looking out the window and back at the house I saw him waving and knew in that minute both of our hearts were breaking. It felt as if something was being ripped from my core. Grabbed away from me again...
I knew then that what he asked me with tears in his eyes, on that beautiful porch, on the side of that mountain, was no lie. No one ever looked at me with such love in their eyes! Just as I was! He loved me! Me! The same way I loved him, just because he was him! Not because of what I wanted him to be but because of who he was!
I loved him just because he was alive! Basic and simple as that was. He was ALIVE!!
We needed to be together for all time and I was to start the process of moving there. It was his idea! Not mine! For I never wanted to live with anyone again! I stayed away from any type of relationship, that was a bad word for me I was no good at them!
Before I was even home I was thinking about how long before I would be able to go back up. I knew I needed to go back there and see him, I knew he wanted me to come back. I could see it in his eyes as I left.
I stopped at work and looked at the schedule and with a little switching I found out I could drive there for two days the following week. I text him and the surprise and the happiness in his message said it all.
The plans were in motion. Our hearts and soul were ruling us this time! We had no option, we had to be. The chance now, to do what we should have done so many years ago was back, fate had stepped in and gave us a third chance at this love we felt. We were older and knew our time was limited just by age. We had to be together.
That second visit was more planning and thinking. We only had two and a half days that time and needed to have many serious discussions. Sure there was the fun! This was the real test! We were able to still laugh and have fun while deciding how to move forward together.
We so looked forward to the future. I as I have never done before. Always living in the moment I very rarely made plans for the future. My thinking was and still is, things could be gone in an instant! I found myself looking forward to the future with him. I found myself planning for the future! I had to leave and get back to work. As difficult as that was I knew we were to be forever bound. I left that time with more confidence we would not stray apart as we had so many years ago. I left there feeling very, very loved! I knew we were forever bound! And that the future with this man I had loved for my entire adult life was coming true. He was and is, and will always be the love of my life! I wanted more that anything to make him happy, to make us happy...
The third visit..............
I left on Saturday morning to be to work at one o'clock, so I had to leave early in the morning for the five and half drive home. There were no plans to go there for a few weeks. I had to work all day Sunday and was to get done at eight p.m. Through the day we text back and forth a lot. We had so much to 'say' to each other. Sometime through the day I started to toy with the idea of driving back up after work and then dismissed it. Silly! I had just left a little over twenty four hours ago. I also knew I needed to be there again. I needed to see him as I had never needed anyone ever! It was ridiculous! I knew that.
I started to toy with the times in my head and leaving after work would put me there at around four am. Silly since I had to leave by noon on Tuesday to be to work on Wednesday. Give us a little over a day to be together again.
I made the decision to go and called to say at eight thirty I would be on the road there. Of course he was concerned, the worst part of the drive my phone did not work, no service. This being the most dangerous part of the ride, all back roads, very dark and no cell service. But I did it! I had no option I had to be there with him.
How can I ever explain the necessity of seeing him? I could not explain it to myself. This time I did not tell a soul, it was a secret get away just for us. I relished the idea of going there, I was oh so excited to be able to see him again. I called from the last point I had service and he said he would be awake. I told him to take a nap and I would be there as safely and quickly as I could. Sure I was tired, sure I was a little scared, but the idea of being in the same house again with him by my side was the momentum which kept me awake and driving.
That day and half was heaven! We used the time to be together as if it was an extra present on a holiday.
We revealed how much we enjoyed to be together, and on that visit we both knew we needed to be under the same roof! We needed to spend the rest of our time together! Silly as it sounds at our age. I knew I would not be able to not be with him. I also knew I would move heaven and earth to wake up next to him every day for the rest of our lives. I knew I wanted to go to sleep next to him every night for the rest of our lives.
I had waited thirty eight years for this kind of love to come back to me and I was not allowing it to go away.
There is nothing like getting a third chance at this kind of love and connection. It was that third visit where I understood the love we had had for each other all those years we had been apart, when we had married different people and had lived full lives.
I now knew what had been missing from mine for oh so many years. This visit only proved to reenforce the things we felt.
The plans were set in motion with excited anticipation. The time of being apart was soon to be over and we would be starting this part of the journey together for the rest of our lives.
Not time, or space or anything would be able to separate us now as they had for so many years.
We were older and knew the value of time! We also had the appreciation for the connection we had to each other. We learned in that very first hug after so many years we had been bound together for ever and now our silly heads had caught up to our hearts and we made the plans.
Leaving that day was harder than the first for now we knew how it would be! We knew the joy of being together all the time. We understood the true meaning of soul mates. The emptiness in our hearts was gone and had been replaced with love and gratitude to God for giving us this third chance and we decided then and there it was not going to drift away again. Yes some said it was fast but to us it had taken thirty five years to get to this point and we did not want to allow one more day to be taken from us so the wheels were set in motion and we were off to start our new lives together.
Yeah! My heart cried! and my soul rejoiced at the reality of him!
Again I thanked God for this very special gift and vowed to not throw it away. How many get a chance to have this kind of love? A love so binding that time and years could not and did not take away from us.
A love so special which so few have and even fewer appreciate it when they do.
Sounds funny driving almost six hours each way and talking about visits like he was around the corner.
Oh how I wish!
The first visit was magical! We caught up on things. Spent many hours awake, afraid to sleep, did not want to waste time. Time, so precious now since I was required to go back to the real world.. Some how during those five days I knew he was to become my 'real world' now!
My life was to change in ways I would never had expected!
We talked about me trying to get a transfer closer. I did think I could get closer than three hundred miles away. I could rent an apartment, I was already planning to move anyway, what did it matter where. Now that he was back in my life I knew the direction I wanted to go. No, I did not want to move in with him, I had vowed some years earlier I would never live with a man again, I just wanted to be closer. Maybe to see each other more than every few months. That was the reality of the situation.
Yes, He was and is the love of my life! Yes, he was, and still is my best friend, and he is who I want to share the silly things with, the really big things and the everyday things . But in the same house? Under the same roof? That, I was not sure of. Scared, petrified and excited would be the emotions I felt!
We just needed to figure out the logistics of the situation. I knew we would. I also knew I was not letting this slip out of my life again. I had made that mistake twice before and would not allow it again.... Older and wiser now, I knew I loved him beyond belief and now knew he felt the same.
Sitting on the porch over morning coffee we would stop talking and just look at each other, then reach out and touch. Just to know it was real. The intensity of the feelings were hard to imagine, even harder to believe. I know I was having a difficult time understanding where they were coming from. So much time had past! But as we sat there it was if our hearts had been connected for all that time!
Leaving there that time was, oh, so difficult.
Not knowing when I would see him again, not wanting for the "heaven" of us to be over I stalled for as long as I could.
Then the time came! Time to leave! I could put it off for no longer.
Pulling out of that driveway it felt as if I left my heart and soul there. The tears came! They were falling onto my lap before I was even to the end. Looking out the window and back at the house I saw him waving and knew in that minute both of our hearts were breaking. It felt as if something was being ripped from my core. Grabbed away from me again...
I knew then that what he asked me with tears in his eyes, on that beautiful porch, on the side of that mountain, was no lie. No one ever looked at me with such love in their eyes! Just as I was! He loved me! Me! The same way I loved him, just because he was him! Not because of what I wanted him to be but because of who he was!
I loved him just because he was alive! Basic and simple as that was. He was ALIVE!!
We needed to be together for all time and I was to start the process of moving there. It was his idea! Not mine! For I never wanted to live with anyone again! I stayed away from any type of relationship, that was a bad word for me I was no good at them!
Before I was even home I was thinking about how long before I would be able to go back up. I knew I needed to go back there and see him, I knew he wanted me to come back. I could see it in his eyes as I left.
I stopped at work and looked at the schedule and with a little switching I found out I could drive there for two days the following week. I text him and the surprise and the happiness in his message said it all.
The plans were in motion. Our hearts and soul were ruling us this time! We had no option, we had to be. The chance now, to do what we should have done so many years ago was back, fate had stepped in and gave us a third chance at this love we felt. We were older and knew our time was limited just by age. We had to be together.
That second visit was more planning and thinking. We only had two and a half days that time and needed to have many serious discussions. Sure there was the fun! This was the real test! We were able to still laugh and have fun while deciding how to move forward together.
We so looked forward to the future. I as I have never done before. Always living in the moment I very rarely made plans for the future. My thinking was and still is, things could be gone in an instant! I found myself looking forward to the future with him. I found myself planning for the future! I had to leave and get back to work. As difficult as that was I knew we were to be forever bound. I left that time with more confidence we would not stray apart as we had so many years ago. I left there feeling very, very loved! I knew we were forever bound! And that the future with this man I had loved for my entire adult life was coming true. He was and is, and will always be the love of my life! I wanted more that anything to make him happy, to make us happy...
The third visit..............
I left on Saturday morning to be to work at one o'clock, so I had to leave early in the morning for the five and half drive home. There were no plans to go there for a few weeks. I had to work all day Sunday and was to get done at eight p.m. Through the day we text back and forth a lot. We had so much to 'say' to each other. Sometime through the day I started to toy with the idea of driving back up after work and then dismissed it. Silly! I had just left a little over twenty four hours ago. I also knew I needed to be there again. I needed to see him as I had never needed anyone ever! It was ridiculous! I knew that.
I started to toy with the times in my head and leaving after work would put me there at around four am. Silly since I had to leave by noon on Tuesday to be to work on Wednesday. Give us a little over a day to be together again.
I made the decision to go and called to say at eight thirty I would be on the road there. Of course he was concerned, the worst part of the drive my phone did not work, no service. This being the most dangerous part of the ride, all back roads, very dark and no cell service. But I did it! I had no option I had to be there with him.
How can I ever explain the necessity of seeing him? I could not explain it to myself. This time I did not tell a soul, it was a secret get away just for us. I relished the idea of going there, I was oh so excited to be able to see him again. I called from the last point I had service and he said he would be awake. I told him to take a nap and I would be there as safely and quickly as I could. Sure I was tired, sure I was a little scared, but the idea of being in the same house again with him by my side was the momentum which kept me awake and driving.
That day and half was heaven! We used the time to be together as if it was an extra present on a holiday.
We revealed how much we enjoyed to be together, and on that visit we both knew we needed to be under the same roof! We needed to spend the rest of our time together! Silly as it sounds at our age. I knew I would not be able to not be with him. I also knew I would move heaven and earth to wake up next to him every day for the rest of our lives. I knew I wanted to go to sleep next to him every night for the rest of our lives.
I had waited thirty eight years for this kind of love to come back to me and I was not allowing it to go away.
There is nothing like getting a third chance at this kind of love and connection. It was that third visit where I understood the love we had had for each other all those years we had been apart, when we had married different people and had lived full lives.
I now knew what had been missing from mine for oh so many years. This visit only proved to reenforce the things we felt.
The plans were set in motion with excited anticipation. The time of being apart was soon to be over and we would be starting this part of the journey together for the rest of our lives.
Not time, or space or anything would be able to separate us now as they had for so many years.
We were older and knew the value of time! We also had the appreciation for the connection we had to each other. We learned in that very first hug after so many years we had been bound together for ever and now our silly heads had caught up to our hearts and we made the plans.
Leaving that day was harder than the first for now we knew how it would be! We knew the joy of being together all the time. We understood the true meaning of soul mates. The emptiness in our hearts was gone and had been replaced with love and gratitude to God for giving us this third chance and we decided then and there it was not going to drift away again. Yes some said it was fast but to us it had taken thirty five years to get to this point and we did not want to allow one more day to be taken from us so the wheels were set in motion and we were off to start our new lives together.
Yeah! My heart cried! and my soul rejoiced at the reality of him!
Again I thanked God for this very special gift and vowed to not throw it away. How many get a chance to have this kind of love? A love so binding that time and years could not and did not take away from us.
A love so special which so few have and even fewer appreciate it when they do.
Sunday, September 1, 2013
The meeting of a lifetime
And the story continues:
I waited the full twenty-four hours to call, hard as that was. I could not wait to hear his voice. I wanted to call all day and was so afraid to call early, not wanting to push things. It was to be, in fact only the second time I would talk to him in thirty-five years. I was cautious! Oh so cautious! I was afraid! Excited!
We laughed and talked, talked and laughed for hours. Mostly small talk. Through some of the conversation we did filled each other in on our lives while we had been apart.
We both had heartache and happiness. We shared it all, no secrets between us, never had been. While we talked we tried to figure out what had happen all those years ago. Neither of us had a clue. We looked back and both remembered with fondness at how close we were.
While we were on the phone through the conversations we both admitted we would never get married again, neither wanting any type of relationship for fear of being hurt again. I was afraid of making a mistake again and had closed off any and all feelings which enabled me to create any relationship. I did not want to get hurt again and if I did not get involved I could not get hurt.
I was moving forward!
Amazingly after the second phone call I realized I still loved this man, I had loved him since I was eighteen years old. I remembered the night I fell in love with him, I remembered the exact minute he captured my heart and has held it all these years. No, I did not tell him this fact, it was not the time. That was for a later date, maybe, unsure of how he felt.
Did he want to continue our friendship or was he just being nice to me. This is his personality, he never wanted to hurt someones feelings. Was he being like this to me, being nice as not to hurt my feelings? I was afraid. In actuality it took another two calls before I began to think there was a chance for us. Two long calls later where I finally started to realize he did care for me too. Could it be possible he wanted to talk to me as much as I wanted to talk to him. Did he wait to call me with the same anticipation in which I waited for him to call?
Every time the phone rang and it had the town on it I would be thrilled. My heart filled up and then it did not matter anymore it was only us in the world. Was this love? Is this what love felt like?
Then he spilled the beans and said " I think we were in love back then and were to dumb to realize it"
I was dumbfounded! Was it really possible he cared for me as much as I cared for him?
One day early in the morning I decided to text him. Since we had shared cell phone numbers I threw caution to the wind and text him. I am still not sure what made me text him, but I sure wish we had had texting so many years ago.
We 'said' more in those texts than we did on the phone. There was not the fear of hearing the tone of the voice and the ability to be honest and open was much easier.
It was then I decided to go visit him and see if the sparks were still there. Still very cautious I only told one person at work, the one person who would be rooting for me. I did tell my sister I was going there and she was thrilled. She told me of all the people I had dated in the past he was her favorite.
I needed to go see if we still had it and it was not just the romantic hopes of a young twenty-one year old.
Did we have the spark? I made my plans and told him I was going to visit. The sound of his voice I was not sure if he was happy or afraid. I did not know if I was excited or afraid. I only knew I had to take this totally uncharacteristic chance of a lifetime.
Could we possibly go back or better yet would we be able to continue on this journey through life together? Would we be able to move forward into the future this time?
I started with going from Tuesday to Thursday, I needed to know I was only going to be there for a few days. What if it was awful? What if we actually had nothing to say to each other? What would happen if I was not the same person he remembered.
We had told each other, or tried to tell each other how we had changed. We both had aged and lacking confidence we both were afraid the other would not like how we looked now. I knew in my heart looks did not matter, it was the connection, was it still there?
The longer we talked the more we laughed and shared our dreams I knew in my heart that I needed to stay longer. I decided to go up on Monday instead and had to hold myself back from going on Sunday. I knew he was spending time with his son on Monday and did not want to go there yet. He said I could go with him but I was not ready for that yet. I needed to know about us. This was our time to figure it all out, our time to either reconnect or put closure to the past.
We shared how excited we were, how cautious we felt. We spent hours on the phone nightly, so long some nights it killed the battery in my phone.
Finally the day before I was ready to leave and while packing I texted him and told him not to play with my feelings. If he was just being the nice guy and not wanting to say no, not to make me drive up there. His answer was 'no he was not playing.' It was at that minute I realized he was as nervous as I was.
The day was here! I got ready to leave!
Not knowing where I was going I wanted to leave plenty of time to get there. Who was I kidding I wanted to get there. The ride was long and I did a lot of thinking and soul searching, just as I had since I knew he was in fact alive. I tried to understand the pull of him. The reason I HAD to go there. Who drives five and half hours on a whim.
What or who was the force which drove me to something so out of the normal for me. I did not like to stay anywhere away from home specially some one's house I have not seen or talked to for thirty some years. I did not know what to expect. The barrage of emotions I felt on the way there was overwhelming at times, and I would catch myself start to cry. My mind wandered at times looking back over the years and everyone I had been involved with. Each of them had some of the characteristics this man had. The tears just poured down my face and I felt like my heart was going to burst. I was OK while I was not thinking about who I was going to visit, but as soon as I remembered it was him, it was almost too much for me to feel.
After the long drive up then down the mountains I arrived.
He was not there and I was glad. I knew the timing would be close since he had been out for the afternoon. I was happy I got there before he did. Gave me time to unkink myself from the car and take in the area. I was in awe, I had in fact driven there on blind faith. The amount of emotions I felt was from fear to elation.
I could hardly wait for him to get there. Did we have a chance? Could we move forward?
I waited on the porch and it was only about ten minutes. Felt like hours. Felt like seconds.
Then I heard it! The truck pulling into the driveway, slowly up the stones. Seemed like it took hours but in reality only seconds. I stood up and he got out of the truck.
Not even taking the time to close the truck door we met halfway between the porch and the truck.
I grabbed his face and he hugged me. We melted and it was if all the years disappeared.
I knew at that very minute, in that second which he grabbed me and hugged me like he had so many years ago, I was finally home.
I had found the love I had been looking for all my life.
I knew in that minute we would never be separated again. We would be on this leg of the journey together, forever. I knew then why I had driven there on faith and an inner feeling of safety. After what seemed like forever we moved. He closed the truck door and we went inside.
Sure we had changed, we had aged, but at that second in eternity we were those two young people who had loved each other so many years ago.
Beyond belief the love was still there! I know I was comforted beyond belief! I was so very happy.
My heart and soul finally had their home. I, at that minute knew, he was who I had been searching for my entire adult life. A little sad, we had had it and allowed it to slip away.
I secretly thanked God for the gift of us.
Incredibly grateful for this third chance at this incredible amount of love I felt. For the first time in my life I felt full. My heart felt complete. The emotion made me want to cry.
Even as I write this now a little over a month since that first reconnection I cry thinking how incredible lucky I am to have my best friend from so long ago back.
The only person I felt comfortable and safe enough to tell my darkest secrets to and have him still love me. The only person in this world I wanted to share my life with unconditionally forever. Then miracle upon miracles he felt the same way.
I watched him look at me with such love it made my heart warm. In those first few hours we learned so much about each other and how intense the feelings were. We talked and laughed the days away. There were plenty of times I reached over and touched his hand to physically know he was there. Looking over at him I could not believe how lucky I was, how very blessed, to be in the same room after all those years. I can honestly say I was and am the happiest I have ever been in my life. The idea that he could possibly, maybe be just as happy is indescribable.
How can I ever thank God enough for this incredible gift? If there ever was a miracle it occurred right there on that driveway, way up in the mountains. I felt as if I was on top of the world. There was no way I was letting this slip out of my life again. Would third time be the charm? Could we let down the walls around our emotions slip down and say what we needed to, to be able to allow our hearts and souls feel what they were telling us?
While there I knew this was not the last time for us, it was the beginning of an entire new life, not just for me but for both of us. Putting the past to rest and finally being able to spend the rest of my life with my best friend, with my soul mate and the person I had loved for more than half my life.
Every night I thank God for the gift he has given to me, the gift of this man!
I waited the full twenty-four hours to call, hard as that was. I could not wait to hear his voice. I wanted to call all day and was so afraid to call early, not wanting to push things. It was to be, in fact only the second time I would talk to him in thirty-five years. I was cautious! Oh so cautious! I was afraid! Excited!
We laughed and talked, talked and laughed for hours. Mostly small talk. Through some of the conversation we did filled each other in on our lives while we had been apart.
We both had heartache and happiness. We shared it all, no secrets between us, never had been. While we talked we tried to figure out what had happen all those years ago. Neither of us had a clue. We looked back and both remembered with fondness at how close we were.
While we were on the phone through the conversations we both admitted we would never get married again, neither wanting any type of relationship for fear of being hurt again. I was afraid of making a mistake again and had closed off any and all feelings which enabled me to create any relationship. I did not want to get hurt again and if I did not get involved I could not get hurt.
I was moving forward!
Amazingly after the second phone call I realized I still loved this man, I had loved him since I was eighteen years old. I remembered the night I fell in love with him, I remembered the exact minute he captured my heart and has held it all these years. No, I did not tell him this fact, it was not the time. That was for a later date, maybe, unsure of how he felt.
Did he want to continue our friendship or was he just being nice to me. This is his personality, he never wanted to hurt someones feelings. Was he being like this to me, being nice as not to hurt my feelings? I was afraid. In actuality it took another two calls before I began to think there was a chance for us. Two long calls later where I finally started to realize he did care for me too. Could it be possible he wanted to talk to me as much as I wanted to talk to him. Did he wait to call me with the same anticipation in which I waited for him to call?
Every time the phone rang and it had the town on it I would be thrilled. My heart filled up and then it did not matter anymore it was only us in the world. Was this love? Is this what love felt like?
Then he spilled the beans and said " I think we were in love back then and were to dumb to realize it"
I was dumbfounded! Was it really possible he cared for me as much as I cared for him?
One day early in the morning I decided to text him. Since we had shared cell phone numbers I threw caution to the wind and text him. I am still not sure what made me text him, but I sure wish we had had texting so many years ago.
We 'said' more in those texts than we did on the phone. There was not the fear of hearing the tone of the voice and the ability to be honest and open was much easier.
It was then I decided to go visit him and see if the sparks were still there. Still very cautious I only told one person at work, the one person who would be rooting for me. I did tell my sister I was going there and she was thrilled. She told me of all the people I had dated in the past he was her favorite.
I needed to go see if we still had it and it was not just the romantic hopes of a young twenty-one year old.
Did we have the spark? I made my plans and told him I was going to visit. The sound of his voice I was not sure if he was happy or afraid. I did not know if I was excited or afraid. I only knew I had to take this totally uncharacteristic chance of a lifetime.
Could we possibly go back or better yet would we be able to continue on this journey through life together? Would we be able to move forward into the future this time?
I started with going from Tuesday to Thursday, I needed to know I was only going to be there for a few days. What if it was awful? What if we actually had nothing to say to each other? What would happen if I was not the same person he remembered.
We had told each other, or tried to tell each other how we had changed. We both had aged and lacking confidence we both were afraid the other would not like how we looked now. I knew in my heart looks did not matter, it was the connection, was it still there?
The longer we talked the more we laughed and shared our dreams I knew in my heart that I needed to stay longer. I decided to go up on Monday instead and had to hold myself back from going on Sunday. I knew he was spending time with his son on Monday and did not want to go there yet. He said I could go with him but I was not ready for that yet. I needed to know about us. This was our time to figure it all out, our time to either reconnect or put closure to the past.
We shared how excited we were, how cautious we felt. We spent hours on the phone nightly, so long some nights it killed the battery in my phone.
Finally the day before I was ready to leave and while packing I texted him and told him not to play with my feelings. If he was just being the nice guy and not wanting to say no, not to make me drive up there. His answer was 'no he was not playing.' It was at that minute I realized he was as nervous as I was.
The day was here! I got ready to leave!
Not knowing where I was going I wanted to leave plenty of time to get there. Who was I kidding I wanted to get there. The ride was long and I did a lot of thinking and soul searching, just as I had since I knew he was in fact alive. I tried to understand the pull of him. The reason I HAD to go there. Who drives five and half hours on a whim.
What or who was the force which drove me to something so out of the normal for me. I did not like to stay anywhere away from home specially some one's house I have not seen or talked to for thirty some years. I did not know what to expect. The barrage of emotions I felt on the way there was overwhelming at times, and I would catch myself start to cry. My mind wandered at times looking back over the years and everyone I had been involved with. Each of them had some of the characteristics this man had. The tears just poured down my face and I felt like my heart was going to burst. I was OK while I was not thinking about who I was going to visit, but as soon as I remembered it was him, it was almost too much for me to feel.
After the long drive up then down the mountains I arrived.
He was not there and I was glad. I knew the timing would be close since he had been out for the afternoon. I was happy I got there before he did. Gave me time to unkink myself from the car and take in the area. I was in awe, I had in fact driven there on blind faith. The amount of emotions I felt was from fear to elation.
I could hardly wait for him to get there. Did we have a chance? Could we move forward?
I waited on the porch and it was only about ten minutes. Felt like hours. Felt like seconds.
Then I heard it! The truck pulling into the driveway, slowly up the stones. Seemed like it took hours but in reality only seconds. I stood up and he got out of the truck.
Not even taking the time to close the truck door we met halfway between the porch and the truck.
I grabbed his face and he hugged me. We melted and it was if all the years disappeared.
I knew at that very minute, in that second which he grabbed me and hugged me like he had so many years ago, I was finally home.
I had found the love I had been looking for all my life.
I knew in that minute we would never be separated again. We would be on this leg of the journey together, forever. I knew then why I had driven there on faith and an inner feeling of safety. After what seemed like forever we moved. He closed the truck door and we went inside.
Sure we had changed, we had aged, but at that second in eternity we were those two young people who had loved each other so many years ago.
Beyond belief the love was still there! I know I was comforted beyond belief! I was so very happy.
My heart and soul finally had their home. I, at that minute knew, he was who I had been searching for my entire adult life. A little sad, we had had it and allowed it to slip away.
I secretly thanked God for the gift of us.
Incredibly grateful for this third chance at this incredible amount of love I felt. For the first time in my life I felt full. My heart felt complete. The emotion made me want to cry.
Even as I write this now a little over a month since that first reconnection I cry thinking how incredible lucky I am to have my best friend from so long ago back.
The only person I felt comfortable and safe enough to tell my darkest secrets to and have him still love me. The only person in this world I wanted to share my life with unconditionally forever. Then miracle upon miracles he felt the same way.
I watched him look at me with such love it made my heart warm. In those first few hours we learned so much about each other and how intense the feelings were. We talked and laughed the days away. There were plenty of times I reached over and touched his hand to physically know he was there. Looking over at him I could not believe how lucky I was, how very blessed, to be in the same room after all those years. I can honestly say I was and am the happiest I have ever been in my life. The idea that he could possibly, maybe be just as happy is indescribable.
How can I ever thank God enough for this incredible gift? If there ever was a miracle it occurred right there on that driveway, way up in the mountains. I felt as if I was on top of the world. There was no way I was letting this slip out of my life again. Would third time be the charm? Could we let down the walls around our emotions slip down and say what we needed to, to be able to allow our hearts and souls feel what they were telling us?
While there I knew this was not the last time for us, it was the beginning of an entire new life, not just for me but for both of us. Putting the past to rest and finally being able to spend the rest of my life with my best friend, with my soul mate and the person I had loved for more than half my life.
Every night I thank God for the gift he has given to me, the gift of this man!
Thursday, August 29, 2013
The most unlikely of places--Facebook!
The most unlikely of places--Facebook!
I finally against all odds and totally uncharacteristically of me I 'messaged' this old friend from high school. We went back and forth and it was not long before the subject of this person who I had thought of for all those years came up. She informed me he was alive and living far away from here.
I tried to remain calm and look for the right words as to not give away too much. I did not want to appear to eager for fear he was married or in a committed relationship.
My heart did cartwheels!
Just the mere thought he was alive and the shooting did not kill him as I had heard so many years before made my soul rejoice.
Of course I had to 'play' it cool! Not seem to excited, I asked how he was and was told he had, yes, been shot and wounded, but had recovered and was living alone. My soul rejoiced and felt this really weird feeling of elation. He sent his phone number for me to call him. I messaged back with my number and said he could call me. Part of me wanted to know if he really wanted to talk to me and if there was still a spark on his end. I was actually afraid to call him.
I went through a barrage of emotions! Could we actually see each other again? Could we pick up where we had left off so many years ago? Would we still have the same connection? Did we still have that comfort of time gone past?
I had already Googled his number and knew where he lived so when the phone rang and I saw the caller ID I knew it was him.
Fear, excitement, panic set in.
I was afraid to answer the phone, afraid not to answer.
I answered finally which took every fiber of my being to sound unaffected by the call.
The first few seconds were awkward, but only the first few seconds. In actuality after the first hello's were done the magic was still there. That voice which I remembered from years gone past melted my heart at that minute. Silly as it sounds.
As soon as the first hello's were spoken, as soon as the first words were over, I was so glad I answered and thankful for this opportunity.
My heart skipped one thousands beats and I realized no time had passed.
I did not know how he felt or what he thought, I only knew I was so glad he called and I answered.
We talked for some time rehashing what had gone on the past years when we had gone on with our life, the every day things old friends talk about. The first call was a reintroduction of each other.
Sure we had changed, we were older, more reserved and definitely more cautious.
Sitting listening to his voice I was reminded of all those years ago when we had 'hung out' together and of all the fun we had.
My heart and soul filled with the joy of a teenager! The more we talked the more I realized how I had cared for him all those years ago. Not the mushy, lusty kind of caring, but the deep down comfort of the soul caring.
As we were ready to hang up it was decided I would call the next night when I got home from work.
Thinking after the call I told myself I was being absurd! All I knew at that minute was I wanted to talk to him more.
We had, oh so many years ago, a great thing! We spent many a night talking and laughing. There had never been an awkward minute between us.
Now, I had to wait until the next night to call. I had to wait a full twenty four hours! Somehow get through work the next day!
Thus the cat and mouse game started.
I knew it was going to resemble a sparring match of sorts.
Neither of us giving away too much information
As I lay in bed that night unable to sleep, thinking back to the times we had spent together I was filled with a sense of longing and knew my life had just changed. Not knowing how or why, I just knew life was going to be different and that all my ideas of my future had changed.
Silly I knew from the first hello my soul was happy! I knew in my heart I had found my home again.
I feared he did not feel the same way. I was scared beyond words, however, I also knew it was all going to be OK.
My heart was light and felt like I was teenager all over again. I could hardly believe he was in fact talking to me again. We had never had a bad thing happen between us. We did not argue or bicker we were always just happy to see each other, oh so many years ago.
My mind started to hope against all hope! Could we pick up again? Would we be able to rekindle the relationship we had let slip away so many years ago? Had we been so jaded by life we were both bitter.
For the first time in so long I started to think about letting someone into my heart again. Scared? yes, Excited, yes.
What I did not know after that first phone call was that my life was really going to change and that God had such big plans for me. God has given us a gift so great. I did not know until later after a few more calls what that first call would or could have done for me, for him, and for the future.
Stay tuned..........
I finally against all odds and totally uncharacteristically of me I 'messaged' this old friend from high school. We went back and forth and it was not long before the subject of this person who I had thought of for all those years came up. She informed me he was alive and living far away from here.
I tried to remain calm and look for the right words as to not give away too much. I did not want to appear to eager for fear he was married or in a committed relationship.
My heart did cartwheels!
Just the mere thought he was alive and the shooting did not kill him as I had heard so many years before made my soul rejoice.
Of course I had to 'play' it cool! Not seem to excited, I asked how he was and was told he had, yes, been shot and wounded, but had recovered and was living alone. My soul rejoiced and felt this really weird feeling of elation. He sent his phone number for me to call him. I messaged back with my number and said he could call me. Part of me wanted to know if he really wanted to talk to me and if there was still a spark on his end. I was actually afraid to call him.
I went through a barrage of emotions! Could we actually see each other again? Could we pick up where we had left off so many years ago? Would we still have the same connection? Did we still have that comfort of time gone past?
I had already Googled his number and knew where he lived so when the phone rang and I saw the caller ID I knew it was him.
Fear, excitement, panic set in.
I was afraid to answer the phone, afraid not to answer.
I answered finally which took every fiber of my being to sound unaffected by the call.
The first few seconds were awkward, but only the first few seconds. In actuality after the first hello's were done the magic was still there. That voice which I remembered from years gone past melted my heart at that minute. Silly as it sounds.
As soon as the first hello's were spoken, as soon as the first words were over, I was so glad I answered and thankful for this opportunity.
My heart skipped one thousands beats and I realized no time had passed.
I did not know how he felt or what he thought, I only knew I was so glad he called and I answered.
We talked for some time rehashing what had gone on the past years when we had gone on with our life, the every day things old friends talk about. The first call was a reintroduction of each other.
Sure we had changed, we were older, more reserved and definitely more cautious.
Sitting listening to his voice I was reminded of all those years ago when we had 'hung out' together and of all the fun we had.
My heart and soul filled with the joy of a teenager! The more we talked the more I realized how I had cared for him all those years ago. Not the mushy, lusty kind of caring, but the deep down comfort of the soul caring.
As we were ready to hang up it was decided I would call the next night when I got home from work.
Thinking after the call I told myself I was being absurd! All I knew at that minute was I wanted to talk to him more.
We had, oh so many years ago, a great thing! We spent many a night talking and laughing. There had never been an awkward minute between us.
Now, I had to wait until the next night to call. I had to wait a full twenty four hours! Somehow get through work the next day!
Thus the cat and mouse game started.
I knew it was going to resemble a sparring match of sorts.
Neither of us giving away too much information
As I lay in bed that night unable to sleep, thinking back to the times we had spent together I was filled with a sense of longing and knew my life had just changed. Not knowing how or why, I just knew life was going to be different and that all my ideas of my future had changed.
Silly I knew from the first hello my soul was happy! I knew in my heart I had found my home again.
I feared he did not feel the same way. I was scared beyond words, however, I also knew it was all going to be OK.
My heart was light and felt like I was teenager all over again. I could hardly believe he was in fact talking to me again. We had never had a bad thing happen between us. We did not argue or bicker we were always just happy to see each other, oh so many years ago.
My mind started to hope against all hope! Could we pick up again? Would we be able to rekindle the relationship we had let slip away so many years ago? Had we been so jaded by life we were both bitter.
For the first time in so long I started to think about letting someone into my heart again. Scared? yes, Excited, yes.
What I did not know after that first phone call was that my life was really going to change and that God had such big plans for me. God has given us a gift so great. I did not know until later after a few more calls what that first call would or could have done for me, for him, and for the future.
Stay tuned..........
Saturday, August 17, 2013
Just when all is planned, CRASH BOOM BAM
Driving home from work one night about a month ago listening to Delilah on the radio, feeling really sad and excited with the fact that I was going to build a life for myself. I did think how nice it would be to have someone to share it with however, it was not a requirement. Actually kind of excited with the idea I had no one to answer to, no one to think about if I wanted to move to another state, and was contemplating a big move to the state of Alaska. Looked like a fun place to go and was putting the plans in motion.
Delilah has callers calling with these love stories which usually melt my heart. This night there was a man calling, a voice full of love and emotion, catching my attention. He had been "reconnected" to a woman from his past, some thirty years from his past. I was able to hear the tears in his voice. He was so exceptionally happy and his voice told the story. They had dated while very young and for some reason had gone separate ways. He really did not know why and had thought about her for all those years. One day they happen to cross paths and the rest is history. They found they still loved each other, married and have been living incredibly happy since.
My mind wondered to the man I had dated in my early twenties and as I was fifty-six now thought if we would be that lucky. Over the years I had often thought about him and wondered how he was, was he happy, did he have a family? He was a wonderful man, exceptional human being, and I had cared for him immensely, yes and still did. It was at times like that I realized how much I still did care for him and missed him. I had not allowed myself to go back to those intense feelings, EVER.
I had tried to look him up when I moved back to my home town. When I mentioned it to my mother she had heard he was shot while on duty as a police officer, and had passed away. I looked on the Internet for something, nothing. I often started to the police station he worked at but always stopped myself, partly for fear he was actually gone and partly for fear he was happily married. Not that I would have been unhappy for him but more sad for myself. All I ever wanted since we had lost touch was for him to be happy, he was well deserving.
So as I listened to the story on the radio melancholy set in and my mind wondered to thoughts of him and how nice it would be if he was alive and came back into my life. Would we, or could we pick up right where we left off? Was there a possibility he was alive and single? Believing as I do in "the other side" and being able to hear from people who have crossed over, I thought 'are you looking down on me?' Do you see me here thinking about you? Have you met up with all the others I know who crossed over?
I asked for answers from the Universe one way or the other. Sent it out! Knowing some how, some where the answers would come. Believing he had passed I expected to here verification of that. I finished my drive home and did not really think about it anymore.
I was excited about vacation, not that I was going anywhere, just for a whole week off. Catch up on things sell my eBay and Etsy try to do some writing and sorting out what to sell and what to save for the move coming.
Excited and apprehensive all at the same time. I knew in my heart it was time for a move I just liked my job a lot and hated to think about leaving it. I did look for a store on the way to transfer to. Thinking that was the way to go, just follow the transfers across the country. Sightseeing along the way, cure two pleasures at once. Keep my job which I really love and move around at the same time. Since I am basically a loner it was exciting. Just me and my cats off on the adventures of a life time. I am not sure they would think the same way though.
But then!!! The universe stepped in and gave me the answer I was not expecting in a most unexpected way.
Surprised? The biggest understatement of a lifetime. I sat and contemplated what to do next.
Not sure I wanted the answers! Not sure if I could ignore the answer!
Boy was I afraid, more like petrified to know for sure.
The Universe in it's funny way sends messages in different ways, this one came by the way of a Facebook message.
A message from his sister-in-law looking for me. Irony in that is we went to high school together and she 'wanted to reconnect', not sure I was up to that I waited almost seven days to answer her.
Partly fear, partly excited anticipation.
But in reality, in my heart, in my core I know what it was and had to laugh.
I had just made a conscious effort to move forward in my life and CRASH, BOOM, BAM! The Universe laughed and changed that.
Stay tuned for the next part......................................
Delilah has callers calling with these love stories which usually melt my heart. This night there was a man calling, a voice full of love and emotion, catching my attention. He had been "reconnected" to a woman from his past, some thirty years from his past. I was able to hear the tears in his voice. He was so exceptionally happy and his voice told the story. They had dated while very young and for some reason had gone separate ways. He really did not know why and had thought about her for all those years. One day they happen to cross paths and the rest is history. They found they still loved each other, married and have been living incredibly happy since.
My mind wondered to the man I had dated in my early twenties and as I was fifty-six now thought if we would be that lucky. Over the years I had often thought about him and wondered how he was, was he happy, did he have a family? He was a wonderful man, exceptional human being, and I had cared for him immensely, yes and still did. It was at times like that I realized how much I still did care for him and missed him. I had not allowed myself to go back to those intense feelings, EVER.
I had tried to look him up when I moved back to my home town. When I mentioned it to my mother she had heard he was shot while on duty as a police officer, and had passed away. I looked on the Internet for something, nothing. I often started to the police station he worked at but always stopped myself, partly for fear he was actually gone and partly for fear he was happily married. Not that I would have been unhappy for him but more sad for myself. All I ever wanted since we had lost touch was for him to be happy, he was well deserving.
So as I listened to the story on the radio melancholy set in and my mind wondered to thoughts of him and how nice it would be if he was alive and came back into my life. Would we, or could we pick up right where we left off? Was there a possibility he was alive and single? Believing as I do in "the other side" and being able to hear from people who have crossed over, I thought 'are you looking down on me?' Do you see me here thinking about you? Have you met up with all the others I know who crossed over?
I asked for answers from the Universe one way or the other. Sent it out! Knowing some how, some where the answers would come. Believing he had passed I expected to here verification of that. I finished my drive home and did not really think about it anymore.
I was excited about vacation, not that I was going anywhere, just for a whole week off. Catch up on things sell my eBay and Etsy try to do some writing and sorting out what to sell and what to save for the move coming.
Excited and apprehensive all at the same time. I knew in my heart it was time for a move I just liked my job a lot and hated to think about leaving it. I did look for a store on the way to transfer to. Thinking that was the way to go, just follow the transfers across the country. Sightseeing along the way, cure two pleasures at once. Keep my job which I really love and move around at the same time. Since I am basically a loner it was exciting. Just me and my cats off on the adventures of a life time. I am not sure they would think the same way though.
But then!!! The universe stepped in and gave me the answer I was not expecting in a most unexpected way.
Surprised? The biggest understatement of a lifetime. I sat and contemplated what to do next.
Not sure I wanted the answers! Not sure if I could ignore the answer!
Boy was I afraid, more like petrified to know for sure.
The Universe in it's funny way sends messages in different ways, this one came by the way of a Facebook message.
A message from his sister-in-law looking for me. Irony in that is we went to high school together and she 'wanted to reconnect', not sure I was up to that I waited almost seven days to answer her.
Partly fear, partly excited anticipation.
But in reality, in my heart, in my core I know what it was and had to laugh.
I had just made a conscious effort to move forward in my life and CRASH, BOOM, BAM! The Universe laughed and changed that.
Stay tuned for the next part......................................
Saturday, August 10, 2013
Don't ever give up hope!
This is a short post to remind everyone never, ever give up hope for the impossible!
Just when I thought I had my life direction figured out along comes a very pleasant surprise.
I am not ready to share it just yet, for fear that it will be ripped out of my life again, that will be for future posts.
Suffice it to say it is the most pleasant surprise in my life bar none.
It is a surprise which has answered many questions. It has also answered the questions why I have spent my life looking for something I could not find.
For the first time my heart feels whole, feels as if it has been put back together, and there in lies the reason I am not sharing it at this point. This time no one or nothing is going to destroy what my soul has waited for so very long.
I will reveal it in the future however, right now it feels like a dream from which I do not want to wake up from and find very hard to believe.
I have waited my entire life for this and never knew what it was I wanted or needed.
So the message for this post is not to ever give up looking for the part of you that is missing.
How do you know when you find it? It just feels right.
Deep in your heart and soul you know it.
It is the thing that fills you so full of love no one can possibly understand.
It makes everything coming before incidental.
Never; ever give up on finding it.
Just when I thought I had my life direction figured out along comes a very pleasant surprise.
I am not ready to share it just yet, for fear that it will be ripped out of my life again, that will be for future posts.
Suffice it to say it is the most pleasant surprise in my life bar none.
It is a surprise which has answered many questions. It has also answered the questions why I have spent my life looking for something I could not find.
For the first time my heart feels whole, feels as if it has been put back together, and there in lies the reason I am not sharing it at this point. This time no one or nothing is going to destroy what my soul has waited for so very long.
I will reveal it in the future however, right now it feels like a dream from which I do not want to wake up from and find very hard to believe.
I have waited my entire life for this and never knew what it was I wanted or needed.
So the message for this post is not to ever give up looking for the part of you that is missing.
How do you know when you find it? It just feels right.
Deep in your heart and soul you know it.
It is the thing that fills you so full of love no one can possibly understand.
It makes everything coming before incidental.
Never; ever give up on finding it.
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Surprises happen all the time.
Just when I am about to give up and think I am wrong in the things I believe in, a wonderful surprise comes along. I guess it is about the control thing. I have to remind myself all the time to give up the control and let things happen. I have read all the articles about 'going with the flow' and try, really try, but it is not as easy as it sounds.
I know deep in my heart when the time is right what is really best for me will come to me, maybe not how I think or how I imagined it to be, but it will appear.
I hope I am wide awake enough to realize it, and not so lost in what I think I want where I miss it!
I hope I am fearless enough to grab at it, and follow it, with out any conditions.
I hope I am able to catch the wing and fly off to the calling of my soul.
I did receive a couple surprises this past Sunday that there are people watching over me.
The first was when I was thinking about my mom and how a few days before she passed I came up with the idea of her sending me peacock feathers, just because they are so rare and at the time there wasn't much out there with them on. Now since she crossed over they have seemed to become very popular and are everywhere. Back to Sunday I was at work thinking how great it wold be if a peacock feather came to me and let me know I was on the right track with my plans. Odd as this sounds, a customer brought me a large picture of a peacock with very long tail feathers. I know the skeptics will all say that it was a coincidence, but if you know me I know there are no coincidences in this world! Never! Everything has a reason, and not all things are a message, but some times there is a very important message in them. We need to be able to decipher those messages.
The second thing, or sign if you will, we were experiencing a simple summer shower and I thought it was going to produce a rainbow, it did not and I looked. Later I was walking out front to check out the cart situation and low and behold there was a rainbow, unexpected. As I stood there it became brighter and brighter, almost causing a double. How exciting that was since I had just asked for it.
I wonder if they both were signs from my parents that everything is going to be ok and they are watching over me every day and when possible and for my own good they give me what I want still from the other side?
Guess I will have to wait for those answers until I get there with them.
please visit my eBay http://myworld.ebay.com/spovio and Etsy https://www.etsy.com/shop/Suestreasures2012 sites and don't forget all are for sale.
I know deep in my heart when the time is right what is really best for me will come to me, maybe not how I think or how I imagined it to be, but it will appear.
I hope I am wide awake enough to realize it, and not so lost in what I think I want where I miss it!
I hope I am fearless enough to grab at it, and follow it, with out any conditions.
I hope I am able to catch the wing and fly off to the calling of my soul.
I did receive a couple surprises this past Sunday that there are people watching over me.
The first was when I was thinking about my mom and how a few days before she passed I came up with the idea of her sending me peacock feathers, just because they are so rare and at the time there wasn't much out there with them on. Now since she crossed over they have seemed to become very popular and are everywhere. Back to Sunday I was at work thinking how great it wold be if a peacock feather came to me and let me know I was on the right track with my plans. Odd as this sounds, a customer brought me a large picture of a peacock with very long tail feathers. I know the skeptics will all say that it was a coincidence, but if you know me I know there are no coincidences in this world! Never! Everything has a reason, and not all things are a message, but some times there is a very important message in them. We need to be able to decipher those messages.
The second thing, or sign if you will, we were experiencing a simple summer shower and I thought it was going to produce a rainbow, it did not and I looked. Later I was walking out front to check out the cart situation and low and behold there was a rainbow, unexpected. As I stood there it became brighter and brighter, almost causing a double. How exciting that was since I had just asked for it.
I wonder if they both were signs from my parents that everything is going to be ok and they are watching over me every day and when possible and for my own good they give me what I want still from the other side?
Guess I will have to wait for those answers until I get there with them.
please visit my eBay http://myworld.ebay.com/spovio and Etsy https://www.etsy.com/shop/Suestreasures2012 sites and don't forget all are for sale.
Saturday, June 15, 2013
Starting with a dream
Starting with a dream of moving to Alaska.
I have to remind myself daily, sometimes hourly, the dream is the beginning. The hows are not for me to worry about. The dream is the most important, and everyday I have to take one step toward it.
Today I looked around and realized I do not need anything here but my cats. And if I could sleep on a sofa bed for ten years I can sleep anywhere.
Where I want to go in Alaska is far up way past the Arctic Circle, to the coldest part of the country. I am not sure how I will get there but I do know I will get there! A couple of the things I think about are food, shelter, and water. Back to Maslow's hierarchy of needs.
I do know I do not need much, and for the most part I do not eat meat so guess what guys, I will not have to shoot any animals, I hope. I will have to learn how to eat more fish though....
There are so many things to look forward to.
Looking out and seeing nothing but mountains. Watching the animals coming past.
I have no wilderness training or even survival training but I do believe our natural instincts allow those traits to come out when needed.
Why? Why would I want to give up all of civilization to trek into the wilderness? I am not sure however, I do know this is not working in my heart. I know the idea of moving there has put an excitement into me which has not been there since I was getting ready to move to the Florida Keys. A kind of wanderlust which rests in my soul. This is the first time I am on my own, totally on my own, no relationship to tie me down and I am free to follow my heart and soul. Where that will lead me I am not sure but the excitement I feel is beyond anything I have ever felt in any other time.
I have learned when there is another person involved all kinds of feelings are hurt along the way and it ends up destroying the relationship. Maybe if I find another soul with the wanderlust and sense of adventure I have it could work, but for the now it feels great to follow my dreams. Which one of them is moving to the Alaska Arctic Circle.
Follow my trek and planning in future blogs.
And as always follow my other blogs and my eBay http://myworld.ebay.com/spovio
and Etsy https://www.etsy.com/shop/Suestreasures2012 sites.
I have to remind myself daily, sometimes hourly, the dream is the beginning. The hows are not for me to worry about. The dream is the most important, and everyday I have to take one step toward it.
Today I looked around and realized I do not need anything here but my cats. And if I could sleep on a sofa bed for ten years I can sleep anywhere.
Where I want to go in Alaska is far up way past the Arctic Circle, to the coldest part of the country. I am not sure how I will get there but I do know I will get there! A couple of the things I think about are food, shelter, and water. Back to Maslow's hierarchy of needs.
I do know I do not need much, and for the most part I do not eat meat so guess what guys, I will not have to shoot any animals, I hope. I will have to learn how to eat more fish though....
There are so many things to look forward to.
Looking out and seeing nothing but mountains. Watching the animals coming past.
I have no wilderness training or even survival training but I do believe our natural instincts allow those traits to come out when needed.
Why? Why would I want to give up all of civilization to trek into the wilderness? I am not sure however, I do know this is not working in my heart. I know the idea of moving there has put an excitement into me which has not been there since I was getting ready to move to the Florida Keys. A kind of wanderlust which rests in my soul. This is the first time I am on my own, totally on my own, no relationship to tie me down and I am free to follow my heart and soul. Where that will lead me I am not sure but the excitement I feel is beyond anything I have ever felt in any other time.
I have learned when there is another person involved all kinds of feelings are hurt along the way and it ends up destroying the relationship. Maybe if I find another soul with the wanderlust and sense of adventure I have it could work, but for the now it feels great to follow my dreams. Which one of them is moving to the Alaska Arctic Circle.
Follow my trek and planning in future blogs.
And as always follow my other blogs and my eBay http://myworld.ebay.com/spovio
and Etsy https://www.etsy.com/shop/Suestreasures2012 sites.
Sunday, June 9, 2013
The next leg of this journey
I sit here and wonder what the next leg of this journey will be. It seems that God always puts me where I need to be, either for my growth or for someone I need to support through a tough situation. I, as I have aged know it could only be for a very short time, or could be for years. I never know how long each part of the journey will be. What I do know is that is always a learning experience.
This past year and a half has been a very large transition and learning period. I have learned what I need and what I do not need.
I have been sorting out what I want and what I think is expected of me, which are two very different things. I am a very simple person and do not like or need a lot of pretenses. I don't need to keep up with anyone else. I am very happy with a simple life. I joined match.com and eharmony.com thinking I wanted to find another person to share with. What a joke. For the past two weeks since I signed up I have looked at hundreds of pictures and realized I do not like people because of their looks, and only those who really know me know this. I look at eyes and there is where I find the connection. It always seems as if I can look into their sould and feel the connection. Most of the time I do not see the outside of the person I see the inside, the heart and the soul, and that is how I decide who will be in my life.
I am glad I have these qualities and cherish them everyday. To me it does not matter if they are male or female, because if we take the vehicle we call a body or male/female away we are all the same. Like a car or a house it just houses the greatest part of anyone. We need the physical manisfestation to be able to travel the journey, as we need transportation to get from point a to point b in the physical world.
As much as I know I have no control over the next part of the journey, in the same way I want to know what it will be and where it will take me.
I know I do not need to prepare for it because I will be provided with everything I will need to complete the leg. The trip is usually a need to know and some, no, maybe most of the time I never know even in hindsight the answers are not always clear.
I do know there is a reason for everything and everyone who passes through our lives when they do. I believe if we meditate and sit in the stillness we can get a vague image of it.
I started this blog when my mom passed basically to make much needed money but, that has not worked out as planned. Now it has become a way of trying to figure out this life or to maybe just help someone else understand ultimately we do not have control. We are able to stunt the growth or to pospone the ultimate reason we are here, however we are and will have to complete the reason we are here.
Please visit my other blog sites http://suesladybugjewelry.blogspot.com/, my ebay http://myworld.ebay.com/spovio or etsy https://www.etsy.com/shop/Suestreasures2012 site. I sell jewelry on those sites. If you feel the need to contact me my email address is suep2004@comcast.net . Looking forward to hearing from someone.
This past year and a half has been a very large transition and learning period. I have learned what I need and what I do not need.
I have been sorting out what I want and what I think is expected of me, which are two very different things. I am a very simple person and do not like or need a lot of pretenses. I don't need to keep up with anyone else. I am very happy with a simple life. I joined match.com and eharmony.com thinking I wanted to find another person to share with. What a joke. For the past two weeks since I signed up I have looked at hundreds of pictures and realized I do not like people because of their looks, and only those who really know me know this. I look at eyes and there is where I find the connection. It always seems as if I can look into their sould and feel the connection. Most of the time I do not see the outside of the person I see the inside, the heart and the soul, and that is how I decide who will be in my life.
I am glad I have these qualities and cherish them everyday. To me it does not matter if they are male or female, because if we take the vehicle we call a body or male/female away we are all the same. Like a car or a house it just houses the greatest part of anyone. We need the physical manisfestation to be able to travel the journey, as we need transportation to get from point a to point b in the physical world.
As much as I know I have no control over the next part of the journey, in the same way I want to know what it will be and where it will take me.
I know I do not need to prepare for it because I will be provided with everything I will need to complete the leg. The trip is usually a need to know and some, no, maybe most of the time I never know even in hindsight the answers are not always clear.
I do know there is a reason for everything and everyone who passes through our lives when they do. I believe if we meditate and sit in the stillness we can get a vague image of it.
I started this blog when my mom passed basically to make much needed money but, that has not worked out as planned. Now it has become a way of trying to figure out this life or to maybe just help someone else understand ultimately we do not have control. We are able to stunt the growth or to pospone the ultimate reason we are here, however we are and will have to complete the reason we are here.
Please visit my other blog sites http://suesladybugjewelry.blogspot.com/, my ebay http://myworld.ebay.com/spovio or etsy https://www.etsy.com/shop/Suestreasures2012 site. I sell jewelry on those sites. If you feel the need to contact me my email address is suep2004@comcast.net . Looking forward to hearing from someone.
Sunday, June 2, 2013
Following our bliss, what is it?
I say, follow your bliss and don't be afraid, and doors will open
where you didn't know they were going to be.
If you follow your bliss, doors will open for you that wouldn't have opened for anyone else.
Joseph Campbell, 1904-1987
Great quote but how do we know what our "bliss" is.
What happens when what we think makes us the happiest really hurts us in the long run?
How or where are we able to get the courage to actually step off the cliff and know it is the right thing to do.
I always had the idea in the back of my head, I wanted to be a writer, but fear always stoped me. I enjoy writing and can actually write about anything. At my 'real job' I am always given the task of doing the 'creative' writing when needed. Of course I never think it is good enough.
I do not think I could write a book seems to long and tedious for me. I am thinking short stories where I can finish it in one sitting and not loose track of the story line.
But is that my bliss? Is that the path I am supposed to be on. I do know all this pain I feel should be for a reason other than the pain itself. Or is that what we are led to believe?
Really the question should be 'what is bliss.' Because does anyone really know?
If we follow our 'bliss' will it really lead to happiness?
And then back to the question "What really is our Bliss?"
I think when we are able to answer that we have found it.
where you didn't know they were going to be.
If you follow your bliss, doors will open for you that wouldn't have opened for anyone else.
Joseph Campbell, 1904-1987
Great quote but how do we know what our "bliss" is.
What happens when what we think makes us the happiest really hurts us in the long run?
How or where are we able to get the courage to actually step off the cliff and know it is the right thing to do.
I always had the idea in the back of my head, I wanted to be a writer, but fear always stoped me. I enjoy writing and can actually write about anything. At my 'real job' I am always given the task of doing the 'creative' writing when needed. Of course I never think it is good enough.
I do not think I could write a book seems to long and tedious for me. I am thinking short stories where I can finish it in one sitting and not loose track of the story line.
But is that my bliss? Is that the path I am supposed to be on. I do know all this pain I feel should be for a reason other than the pain itself. Or is that what we are led to believe?
Really the question should be 'what is bliss.' Because does anyone really know?
If we follow our 'bliss' will it really lead to happiness?
And then back to the question "What really is our Bliss?"
I think when we are able to answer that we have found it.
Saturday, May 25, 2013
The tale of the Eisenhower Dollar!
The tale of the Eisenhower Dollar!
This afternoon I am feeling kind of hopeless and laying on the couch feeling alone, not lonely mind you. I can say I very, very rarely feel lonely. I needed to buy cream for my coffee and having only Eisenhower coin dollars I had received as tips years ago, I went to Wawa and took two of the dollars with a quarter I found at the bottom of my purse feeling full of self pity for the situation I have gotten myself into. Knowing nobody uses them anymore and the cashiers usually look at them and have to think about them a minute. I walk up to the register feeling very uncomfortable spending them.
I just know that everyone thinks, 'she is spending them cause she is broke.' True I am broke, broker than I have ever been, with no where to turn for help. The cashier rings up my cream, all the time chatting with another girl that works there, not really paying attention to me until I embarassingly had her the two coin dollars and the one quarter.
Feeling mortified that I had to spend those dollars.
I hand her the coins and she becomes very excited and stated 'oh, I have to buy these for my mother! She will be thrilled!' She was so happy to have them to make her mother happy about those two coins.
With that one statement my glum mood lifts and I am reminded of the time years ago when I would go to a table after I had waited on a very kind couple and there would be an 'Eisenhower Dollar.' I can still see the couple like it was yesterday and in actuality some twenty plus years have passed. They were kind and easy to serve as I went through my day in the diner I worked. I can remember we all wished we would get the couple just so we could get the very large coin, because as a waitress we would not spend it. It was one way we could save.
In that very minute as I walked out of Wawa with my cream I went from feeling broke and poor, and embarressed, to feeling hope and happiness. Happy because I made her feel so very happy. I was actually smiling as I left the store picturing the look on the cashier's face as she hands them to her mother. The look of pride on her mother's face for the great child she has raised!
My walk felt lighter and I felt as if a million pound weight of gloom and doom has lifted off my shoulders. No, none of my problems have been solved! No, I did not sell anything on eBay which I so desperately need to do! No, I did not find the three hundred dollars I need to have before Monday comes! No, nothing in the physical world had changed at all! What did change was my outlook on how I see things and I loose the hopelessness I felt before I went to buy a simple pint of cream for my coffee! The self pity and aloneness I felt before I drove that simple mile to the store!
Sadly, the cashier will probably never know how her reaction changed my entire day. Reminded me to have faith in the midst of the darkness and to know the Universal order of things always knows what we need when we need it the most.
Follw the link this http://myworld.ebay.com/spovio to look over my eBay merchandise and maybe buy a thing or two to help me make my three hundred dollars I need by Monday.
Thank You for listening.
This afternoon I am feeling kind of hopeless and laying on the couch feeling alone, not lonely mind you. I can say I very, very rarely feel lonely. I needed to buy cream for my coffee and having only Eisenhower coin dollars I had received as tips years ago, I went to Wawa and took two of the dollars with a quarter I found at the bottom of my purse feeling full of self pity for the situation I have gotten myself into. Knowing nobody uses them anymore and the cashiers usually look at them and have to think about them a minute. I walk up to the register feeling very uncomfortable spending them.
I just know that everyone thinks, 'she is spending them cause she is broke.' True I am broke, broker than I have ever been, with no where to turn for help. The cashier rings up my cream, all the time chatting with another girl that works there, not really paying attention to me until I embarassingly had her the two coin dollars and the one quarter.
Feeling mortified that I had to spend those dollars.
I hand her the coins and she becomes very excited and stated 'oh, I have to buy these for my mother! She will be thrilled!' She was so happy to have them to make her mother happy about those two coins.
With that one statement my glum mood lifts and I am reminded of the time years ago when I would go to a table after I had waited on a very kind couple and there would be an 'Eisenhower Dollar.' I can still see the couple like it was yesterday and in actuality some twenty plus years have passed. They were kind and easy to serve as I went through my day in the diner I worked. I can remember we all wished we would get the couple just so we could get the very large coin, because as a waitress we would not spend it. It was one way we could save.
In that very minute as I walked out of Wawa with my cream I went from feeling broke and poor, and embarressed, to feeling hope and happiness. Happy because I made her feel so very happy. I was actually smiling as I left the store picturing the look on the cashier's face as she hands them to her mother. The look of pride on her mother's face for the great child she has raised!
My walk felt lighter and I felt as if a million pound weight of gloom and doom has lifted off my shoulders. No, none of my problems have been solved! No, I did not sell anything on eBay which I so desperately need to do! No, I did not find the three hundred dollars I need to have before Monday comes! No, nothing in the physical world had changed at all! What did change was my outlook on how I see things and I loose the hopelessness I felt before I went to buy a simple pint of cream for my coffee! The self pity and aloneness I felt before I drove that simple mile to the store!
Sadly, the cashier will probably never know how her reaction changed my entire day. Reminded me to have faith in the midst of the darkness and to know the Universal order of things always knows what we need when we need it the most.
Follw the link this http://myworld.ebay.com/spovio to look over my eBay merchandise and maybe buy a thing or two to help me make my three hundred dollars I need by Monday.
Thank You for listening.
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