We just spent the most glorious fifteen days together!

Waiting for him to arrive on that day, the day he was to come and stay with me, was different. After I came home from work I bustled around the house and thoughts went back in time and wondered how it could or would have been. I often think how excited I would have been waiting for him to come home from work! As I tinkered around doing last minute things waiting for him the excitement grew and I watched out the door every couple of minutes to see if his truck was pulling in the lot yet!
Oh! When it did I felt like that young twenty one year old waiting here for him to come over every night. Yes it was the same house he had spent so much time with me as young adults. My parents, my sister and brother and my baby, he spent many nights here with all of us watching TV and just "hanging out." We should have known then it was love but we were young and did not understand, or maybe both of us were just too shy to say anything.
Looking back now, how I wished I had told him how much I cared about him, how important he was to me, and how much I liked being with him. Shy and insecure I was afraid he would laugh at me and leave me alone, funny how we drifted apart anyway!
Just drifted apart! Never an argument, never a fight and we rarely ever disagreed on anything.
As I think back now, maybe, neither one of us was ready for that all encompassing love. We needed to experience life before we could ever realize what we have now and understand what we had then is not for the faint of heart. It is so intense it fills the heart and soul up to the point of almost being painful.
How, when we were young could we have ever understood that? Only now after the heartaches, and the pains suffered could we get it! Get it! that what we have is so very special!
A love so deep it reaches to the core of my being. A love that has transcended time and distance! A love which has endured the tests of time apart and picked up right were we left off so many years ago!
We just spent the most glorious fifteen days together! He stayed with me because of the commitments I have at work and home. I need to get packing while still working full time. It was difficult leaving for work every day while he was here but, it was so much better knowing he was here when I came home after a long day. Sure we still talked, and text during the day, seems like we never run out of things to say to each other.
During those fifteen days we learned we could live together! I know he was bored while I worked. I know he wished he was at his house! What a sacrifice he made to be here and how I appreciate that! We are so alike in the feeling we both like to be home, so I know how difficult it was for him.
I also am so grateful I did not have to wait three weeks to spend time with him.
We did simple things like any old married couple would do, eat dinner, watch TV at night and fall asleep on the couch. Some nights I would doze off and when I woke up I would catch him looking at me!
Looking at me like he could not believe it was me napping on his leg while we were 'watching' TV. What a joy for me to see the love in his eyes as he watched me sleep. Pure, simply, undying love flowed out of his eyes. I would turn and he would just smile at me, knowing I had caught him looking at me, again!
I have never felt so loved and secure in the knowledge he would forever hold and cherish my heart and not break it. Just as I will with his! I will cherish his heart until the end of time!
I will be forever thankful for the love and time we have now, however long that may be! I have him, HIM, back in my life and I realize how very special a man he is!  Still, every time I think to myself, it is him, my eyes fill up and I cry, tears of overwhelming emotion run down my face for the love I have, and the joy of being able to spend the rest of my life with him. Each and every day, morning and night I thank God for the gift I have been given, the privilege of him loving me!
Of course we went out to dinner a couple of times and it felt a little odd going out together, we did not go out while we were seeing each other so many years ago. We were always just happy being together! It never mattered what we did at all, only that we did it together. Dummy us we did not realize that was love. It was not the lustful love of the movies, it was not a fleeting feeling where once we were away it was forgotten. It was and still is a deep heart and soul kind of love.
This was wonderful and I despised the idea he had to leave. He had commitments at home and needed to be there. I counted the days when I was to drive up there.
Five! Five long days apart!
Five days before I could touch his face! Sit next to him! See him!
How would I make it? After waiting thirty five years could I survive five days?
I was not sure if my heart could take it again, this separation, of our lives.

Starting with a dream

Starting with a dream of moving to Alaska. 
I have to remind myself daily, sometimes hourly, the dream is the beginning.  The hows are not for me to worry about.  The dream is the most important, and everyday I have to take one step toward it.
Today I looked around and realized I do not need anything here but my cats.  And if I could sleep on a sofa bed for ten years I can sleep anywhere.
Where I want to go in Alaska is far up way past the Arctic Circle, to the coldest part of the country.  I am not sure how I will get there but I do know I will get there!  A couple of the things I think about are food, shelter, and water.  Back to Maslow's hierarchy of needs.
I do know I do not need much, and for the most part I do not eat meat so guess what guys, I will not have to shoot any animals, I hope.  I will have to learn how to eat more fish though....
There are so many things to look forward to. 
Looking out and seeing nothing but mountains. Watching the animals coming past.
I have no wilderness training or even survival training but I do believe our natural instincts allow those traits to come out when needed.
Why? Why would I want to give up all of civilization to trek into the wilderness?  I am not sure however, I do know this is not working in my heart. I know the idea of moving there has put an excitement into me which has not been there since I was getting ready to move to the Florida Keys.  A kind of wanderlust which rests in my soul.  This is the first time I am on my own, totally on my own, no relationship to tie me down and I am free to follow my heart and soul.  Where that will lead me I am not sure but the excitement I feel is beyond anything I have ever felt in any other time.
I have learned when there is another person involved all kinds of feelings are hurt along the way and it ends up destroying the relationship.  Maybe if I find another soul with the wanderlust and sense of adventure I have it could work, but for the now it feels great to follow my dreams. Which one of them is moving to the Alaska Arctic Circle.
Follow my trek and planning in future blogs.
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Following our bliss, what is it?

I say, follow your bliss and don't be afraid, and doors will open
where you didn't know they were going to be.
If you follow your bliss, doors will open for you that wouldn't have opened for anyone else.
Joseph Campbell, 1904-1987

Great quote but how do we know what our "bliss" is. 

What happens when what we think makes us the happiest really hurts us in the long run? 
How or where are we able to get the courage to actually step off the cliff and know it is the right thing to do.

I always had the idea in the back of my head,  I wanted to be a writer, but fear always stoped me.  I enjoy writing and can actually write about anything.  At my 'real job' I am always given the task of doing the 'creative' writing when needed.  Of course I never think it is good enough.
I do not think I could write a book seems to long and tedious for me.  I am thinking short stories where I can finish it in one sitting and not loose track of the story line. 

But is that my bliss?  Is that the path I am supposed to be on. I do know all this pain I feel should be for a reason other than the pain itself.  Or is that what we are led to believe?
Really the question should be 'what is bliss.'  Because does anyone really know?
If we follow our 'bliss' will it really lead to happiness?

And then back to the question "What really is our Bliss?"
I think when we are able to answer that we have found it.