Mother's Day

With Mother's day fast approaching I am reminded of my Mom more than usual.  If I could tell any one one word of advice about their moms it would be,
'make your peace with her this year. Tell her how much you love her.  No matter what the relationship is or has been, tell her you love her and thank her for bringing you into the world. Always remember how much she loved you when you were born.'
My mother and I had a very strained relationship from my teen years on. We did not always agree on things, and for the most part were never close through my adulthood.  One reason was distance, I always lived at least ninety minutes away from her and the traveling to visit always was pushed back because it seemed there were more important things to do. I can say I am sorry I did not make more of an effort to visit her. And on this mother's day I wonder how different our relationship would have been had I made more of an effort.
Years later by a twist of fate I was forced to move back into her home.  I planned to only be here long enough to gather my 'bearings' and regroup.  Get it together and figure out where I wanted to live next. I was waiting for fate to take over and put me where I was supposed to be at the time.  The universe always put me where I was to do the most good and I knew that.  I was just a little perplexed at that point, my Mom never needed anything. She was always so strong and self sufficient.  She had this air of self confidence and I always thought she was not afraid of anything, she could do anything.  For my entire life I always felt like I never measured up to her.  We had a very strained beginning of the roommate phase of our life.
When I first came back I was very defensive and scared. Hurt and feeling like a failure.  My confidence shattered.  I knew the Universe put me here for a reason and I wanted to know it.  I did not want to wait and let the scenario play out.  Funny how the Universe has it's own plans!   I ended up here for way longer than the six months I had planned. Then sometime in the years I learned the Universe did have a plan, and it was I was supposed to be here with her.  Funny, I would have never come here willingly.  It took me having no where else to go to be here with her and then for her, until the end.  Me being here allowed her to stay home and pass in her own home.
As anyone who believes that there is a 'grand plan' at work in the 'Universal order' can understand what I mean right now.   Hindsight being twenty-twenty is a great thing, but as we go through it without the luxury of 'it', seeing 'it' we can only know much later the reasons.  Now looking back it was for us to heal our relationship and to be able to move forward.
I learned so much in the years spent here with my mother.  My mom also learned alot about me also. I longed for her to accept me for what I am, and finally at the end of her life I think she did.  I wanted her to be proud of me and to know I am really a great person.  I still seek her approval in life, even with her gone. I still long for the peace it would give me if I knew she thought I am a great person with a big heart and a kind of selflessness to help everyone and everything.  I think at some point she started to see how big my heart is.  We would go past a dead animal and I would ask, even in my forties, did she think that animals know that one of their own was killed and would the rest of the 'family' miss it?  My mom always laughed at that question. She never understood how my mind worked but I would like to think she was proud of me. Still to this day I do not know if she was proud of me or if I still did not measure up to what she wanted in a daughter?
 So this Mother's Day make the peace while you can and don't spend the rest of your life wondering.
Call her or visit, do something to put all the not knowing behind you.

Change

One thing I am finding out about myself is I do not like change.  It is not the actual change itself, for that is always a good thing, it is the anticipation of the change.  The waiting for it to take place.  I reach a point that I wish it was just over.  It is much easier to adapt to it then.
The waiting, the anticipation is always stressful.  It always feels like a pressure cooker waiting for the top to blow off.  I think because I am so sensitive to the 'feelings' around me and am able to pick up on them I become stressed. 
It can be good and excitement but the body still registers stress.
The body does not know the difference between good or bad, excitement or dread, it still senses it as stress.  The body reacts the same way to good and bad stress.
So in the event of change it is the leading up to the change which I find the hardest to deal with.  It comes to the point that I just want the change to occur, to be done with, to have the dust settle and be able to move on.
Funny how at my age I am still learning alot about 'me' and how I deal with things.
I know I stay when I should move on because the unknown is so scary.  I wait until I am forced to move on and the inevitable change takes me like a wave in the ocean.  The tumbling the turning of the water where it is impossible to fight against.  The water takes us where it wants to not where we think we should be going.
So at some point in the actual leading up to the changes we know are coming we just need to let the water take us where it will and just go with the flow.  For going with the flow is so much easier than fighting and keep the faith.
Keep the faith that we are on the path to where we are supposed to be at this point in life.
Follow the flow and not fight against it.
Just know that it will all be ok and that "they all lived happily ever after"