Mother's Day

With Mother's day fast approaching I am reminded of my Mom more than usual.  If I could tell any one one word of advice about their moms it would be,
'make your peace with her this year. Tell her how much you love her.  No matter what the relationship is or has been, tell her you love her and thank her for bringing you into the world. Always remember how much she loved you when you were born.'
My mother and I had a very strained relationship from my teen years on. We did not always agree on things, and for the most part were never close through my adulthood.  One reason was distance, I always lived at least ninety minutes away from her and the traveling to visit always was pushed back because it seemed there were more important things to do. I can say I am sorry I did not make more of an effort to visit her. And on this mother's day I wonder how different our relationship would have been had I made more of an effort.
Years later by a twist of fate I was forced to move back into her home.  I planned to only be here long enough to gather my 'bearings' and regroup.  Get it together and figure out where I wanted to live next. I was waiting for fate to take over and put me where I was supposed to be at the time.  The universe always put me where I was to do the most good and I knew that.  I was just a little perplexed at that point, my Mom never needed anything. She was always so strong and self sufficient.  She had this air of self confidence and I always thought she was not afraid of anything, she could do anything.  For my entire life I always felt like I never measured up to her.  We had a very strained beginning of the roommate phase of our life.
When I first came back I was very defensive and scared. Hurt and feeling like a failure.  My confidence shattered.  I knew the Universe put me here for a reason and I wanted to know it.  I did not want to wait and let the scenario play out.  Funny how the Universe has it's own plans!   I ended up here for way longer than the six months I had planned. Then sometime in the years I learned the Universe did have a plan, and it was I was supposed to be here with her.  Funny, I would have never come here willingly.  It took me having no where else to go to be here with her and then for her, until the end.  Me being here allowed her to stay home and pass in her own home.
As anyone who believes that there is a 'grand plan' at work in the 'Universal order' can understand what I mean right now.   Hindsight being twenty-twenty is a great thing, but as we go through it without the luxury of 'it', seeing 'it' we can only know much later the reasons.  Now looking back it was for us to heal our relationship and to be able to move forward.
I learned so much in the years spent here with my mother.  My mom also learned alot about me also. I longed for her to accept me for what I am, and finally at the end of her life I think she did.  I wanted her to be proud of me and to know I am really a great person.  I still seek her approval in life, even with her gone. I still long for the peace it would give me if I knew she thought I am a great person with a big heart and a kind of selflessness to help everyone and everything.  I think at some point she started to see how big my heart is.  We would go past a dead animal and I would ask, even in my forties, did she think that animals know that one of their own was killed and would the rest of the 'family' miss it?  My mom always laughed at that question. She never understood how my mind worked but I would like to think she was proud of me. Still to this day I do not know if she was proud of me or if I still did not measure up to what she wanted in a daughter?
 So this Mother's Day make the peace while you can and don't spend the rest of your life wondering.
Call her or visit, do something to put all the not knowing behind you.

The Lure of the Ocean

In the wake of this storm I finally figured out what was missing in my life. 
The ocean. The sound of the waves hitting the beach.  The quiet of the off season at the beach. The Nor'easterns and the wind, and yes even the hurricanes.  My need for the beach has been amplified through this trying time for the beaches along the eastern coast. 

I look at it now as a calling for me to be close to the water.  Ironically in the devastation brought about in this storm I can say it has been a eye-opener for me, I realized how much I really do miss the ocean.  Even a very angry ocean there is nothing like it.  One of my favorite things to do is to take pictures of the ocean, or the dunes up to the ocean.

In the aftermath the curious wonder how anyone would like to live at the beach. 

How do I explain it to anyone who does not have the lure of the ocean in their soul.  Why do fishermen continue to fish while the danger is so high?  They all, at one time or another decide not to go out on the water to work, But in the end they are always drawn back to the water.  It is the pull of the ocean, the draw of the calmness of the waves, and the feeling of peace the ocean gives. 

Living by the ocean gives one the feeling of being the only person in the world.  The horizon is so very far away and it feels as if you can see forever.  I can remember walking on the beach during the off season, freezing in a parka, snow boots and two pairs of pants, just looking out over the water and thinking how it goes on forever.  Feeling so small next to it.  Sitting there lost in the waves thinking of nothing more than how the waves build, roll and finally break on the beach.

       Even the angry, stormy ocean is beautiful and a wonder to be seen.  The way the waves slowly build, the white foam blowing off the top, then finally ever so slowly curl over and break with a deafening roar.  The roar which can be heard for blocks. Sounding like a lullaby to me, relaxing me to sleep.  I think I have been land-locked for too many years.  Feeling the call of the ocean more and more every day.

These storms are like a whistle to me to follow.  I am not sure how I can get back there but that is the goal for the future.  Preferably an Island, to be able to cross a bridge to get home is one of the greatest feelings.  Leaving LBI years ago, the happiest time was when I made it to the bridge and smelled the smell.  A cross between dead fish, salt water and seaweed, it stunk to most people, my mother hated it, I would open the windows and know I was almost home.  Even today when I get to that smell it is the best smell, better than any perfume or room freshener, it always smelled like home. 

One day I will get there and enjoy all the sounds of the water much more.   I will remember to cherish every sound and smell unlike I did before.  I now know how very special the ocean and beach are to me with being away for so long.  I will lay in bed and keep the window open, even in the cold of winter to be able to hear that special sound of the rolling waves.  I will make it a priority to see it every day.  Watch more sunrises on the beach.  See the sun cross the horizon and feel the warmth as it moves over head to heat the day. 

Yes, one day I will get back there and enjoy every second of it even in the less than desirable weather of winter.  Yes, one day my soul will be reunited to the call of the ocean siren of long ago stories.  Finally, I do understand.