Mother's Day

With Mother's day fast approaching I am reminded of my Mom more than usual.  If I could tell any one one word of advice about their moms it would be,
'make your peace with her this year. Tell her how much you love her.  No matter what the relationship is or has been, tell her you love her and thank her for bringing you into the world. Always remember how much she loved you when you were born.'
My mother and I had a very strained relationship from my teen years on. We did not always agree on things, and for the most part were never close through my adulthood.  One reason was distance, I always lived at least ninety minutes away from her and the traveling to visit always was pushed back because it seemed there were more important things to do. I can say I am sorry I did not make more of an effort to visit her. And on this mother's day I wonder how different our relationship would have been had I made more of an effort.
Years later by a twist of fate I was forced to move back into her home.  I planned to only be here long enough to gather my 'bearings' and regroup.  Get it together and figure out where I wanted to live next. I was waiting for fate to take over and put me where I was supposed to be at the time.  The universe always put me where I was to do the most good and I knew that.  I was just a little perplexed at that point, my Mom never needed anything. She was always so strong and self sufficient.  She had this air of self confidence and I always thought she was not afraid of anything, she could do anything.  For my entire life I always felt like I never measured up to her.  We had a very strained beginning of the roommate phase of our life.
When I first came back I was very defensive and scared. Hurt and feeling like a failure.  My confidence shattered.  I knew the Universe put me here for a reason and I wanted to know it.  I did not want to wait and let the scenario play out.  Funny how the Universe has it's own plans!   I ended up here for way longer than the six months I had planned. Then sometime in the years I learned the Universe did have a plan, and it was I was supposed to be here with her.  Funny, I would have never come here willingly.  It took me having no where else to go to be here with her and then for her, until the end.  Me being here allowed her to stay home and pass in her own home.
As anyone who believes that there is a 'grand plan' at work in the 'Universal order' can understand what I mean right now.   Hindsight being twenty-twenty is a great thing, but as we go through it without the luxury of 'it', seeing 'it' we can only know much later the reasons.  Now looking back it was for us to heal our relationship and to be able to move forward.
I learned so much in the years spent here with my mother.  My mom also learned alot about me also. I longed for her to accept me for what I am, and finally at the end of her life I think she did.  I wanted her to be proud of me and to know I am really a great person.  I still seek her approval in life, even with her gone. I still long for the peace it would give me if I knew she thought I am a great person with a big heart and a kind of selflessness to help everyone and everything.  I think at some point she started to see how big my heart is.  We would go past a dead animal and I would ask, even in my forties, did she think that animals know that one of their own was killed and would the rest of the 'family' miss it?  My mom always laughed at that question. She never understood how my mind worked but I would like to think she was proud of me. Still to this day I do not know if she was proud of me or if I still did not measure up to what she wanted in a daughter?
 So this Mother's Day make the peace while you can and don't spend the rest of your life wondering.
Call her or visit, do something to put all the not knowing behind you.

The Holiday Season

The name of this blog changed to a much more appropriate reflection of where I am at now on this journey.
I made it past Christmas and then New Years Yeah!!!  I have not written in awhile.  This has been a really weird period for me.  Christmas is not my favorite time of the year anyway, it was just a lot less enjoyable.
My thoughts on the Christmas season is it is way to commercialized and the things everyone thinks about are not what the season is supposed to be about.  For the most part I just stayed by myself.  I was excited for the woman I work with because she has a toddler and he was really into Santa.  She would come in and tell stories which made me think back to those years with a warm heart.  I know it was uncomfortable to those around me trying not to be excited because they thought it would upset me. It did not, I was sad because they thought they had to watch what they said so not to make me feel bad.  I actually had a Christmas, finally, which I enjoyed.  It was just  another day for me.  I did not put out any decorations which I did not have to pack up and put away after the holidays. See there is something to not decorating.
I went to my sisters for about two hours, we just exchanged presents and sat and talked. That was fun.  Really!!!  Then I was back home.  I made bracelets and watched TV.
Not what anyone thinks Christmas should be but I am not like the usual person, it was great for me.  Just what I wanted to do..... One year I will be in Las Vegas for the holidays, that is one of the things on my bucket list.  Spend the holiday season in Las Vegas, warm and toasty, not freezing and shivering. 
I did think about going to Atlantic City on Christmas day, but did not.  I also thought about going to Parx, but, again did not.  In the end I am glad I stayed home.  I have a really enjoyable time all by myself....
New Years Eve!  For the first time in my life I spent it alone on the couch with my two cats.  We were all happy and actually slept through the bong of the new year.  We, my cats and I fell asleep at eleven forty-five and woke up at twelve fifteen and went to bed.  So many years in the past I was up until the wee hours of the morning and then tired all the next day.  In the past I would work on new years eve and not be finished until three or four am.  Then my mom and I would wait for the new year and then go to bed, not this year.  Another thing I really enjoyed this year.  Laying on the couch with my two cats under the quilt sleeping. 
So for anyone who thinks I had a bad holiday season I did not.  I had one I very much enjoyed.  I counted all my blessings and thanked God for all I have accomplished this past year.  I am grateful for all I have learned and all the firsts I have accomplished.
Sounds corney to most but it has been a journey from last year to now.  And I know 2013 will be a banner year for my going forward. I do not know what it will bring. I do know it will be filled with  many, many things and people to be grateful for. 
I have started my 'Gratitude Journal' if only in my head.  I could list all I have to be grateful for, however it would be for another blog.  Aha maybe I should start another blog about the simple things to be grateful for.  That is a thought.  Maybe I would make money there. I enjoy writing, but do wish I could make a living at it so I could work on my own and not be dependent on anyone else.  I could work for myself again. which I really enjoyed. 
Enough for now....... Please visit my Other blogs, http://suesladybugjewelry.blogspot.com/ or http://gamblinggirl.blogspot.com/and most of all visit my Etsy site, http://www.etsy.com/shop/Suestreasures2012 look around.  Then of course there is the eBay site.http://myworld.ebay.com/spovio