Those five days are over

Driving there after those five days I had time to think about the separation.
What a long five days! He was there and I was here.
It was this separation where I realized, more than I did before, I could not live without him. It was so much more difficult this time, after just spending all those days together.
I wondered how I was ever going to make it through these days. I, by now had become used to him being there!  Loved having him there! What a warming feeling to pull around the corner and see the truck, to know he was there waiting for me. For ME!
Every day as I came home from a long day at work, which felt so much longer now, he was there with a hug telling me how happy he was to see me! Never have I ever wanted anyone to be there as I did now. Now I wanted to get out of work and race home to be with HIM! The fun we had! The laughs we shared!
 It was lonely! and I have never been lonely! I have never had a sense of loneliness, I enjoyed being alone and was perfectly happy. This odd feeling, this loneliness I was feeling now was abnormal to me.
I knew he had to go 'home' it was an important weekend for him and his family. His son, set to propose to his girlfriend. The whole family was to be there! I knew I should have been there and he told me that many times. He told me how much he wanted me to be there. But at the same time he knew I needed to stay and finish out my time at work, hard as it was to be separated now, again, after so many years apart.
How difficult it was for me to not be there on such an important day for them!
It was at that minute I realized how if I decided to keep my job and try to work out a long term solution for the distance I would come to resent my job! Funny, even how much I loved my job I would resent it and wish everyday I was there. It was then I knew I had to forgo my career and follow my heart and give in to the love I have for this man who I had loved for oh so long.
My phone started with messages and pictures of the proposal, how sad I was that I was not there to share in the special day. There would never be another day as this and I missed it.
I missed the feeling of pride my future husband had felt to watch his son propose to the love of his life.
While he was gone those days I realized I did not want to ever miss an important event in his life again, and that was far more important than any career I could have. More fulfilling than any type of work I could do. I realized in those five days I could not live without him!
As I drove the long five and half hours I had plenty of time to think!
Think about all those times in his life I had missed because we were so young and stupid back then. We did not have any idea what we gave up then. But, we do realize it now and we are not wasting any time now. We have made plans and were keeping it a secret!
We planned on getting married this time. We planned to be married alone!
Just the two of us! No one else to be concerned about.
A connection so deep it transcends time and distance!!
Getting closer to my destination meant I was getting closer to him! Closer to the person I loved!
I finally understood the true meaning of love, a love that was unconditional and defied explanation!

I love my job BUT I love him more

I love my job, it never feels like work.  I have been there for four years and counting.
I planned a career there!
I had a lot of respect for the company I work for and value the ethics and integrity of it. I have spent four years of training to move ahead into a full career there and loved every minute of it. Sure, there were days I would be worn out and wonder why, why was I doing it? But I still looked forward to the challenges of a new day. Looked forward to the solutions of the challenges each day brought with it.  Yes, the money is good, but, by far the greatest part was the opportunities it allowed me.
Every day I looked forward to going in!  The people there were part of my extended family. It was there I went when my mom was sick and dying for the comfort of friends. It was there I went when I felt sad or lonely, happy or excited, I shared my life there each and every day.
So this "new me" the happy me, the part of me which no one there has seen before took everyone by surprise. One of my coworkers said one time "it is great to hear you laugh, really laugh" "it is great to see you happy." I did not realize how much they paid attention to my sadness, to my emptiness.  One of my coworkers said to me "we wanted you to be happy! We didn't want you to leave to do so"  There in lies the dilemma!
I can't have it both! Distance is too far, a five and a half hour commute is beyond reason, and the closest store is still a two and a half hour drive.
So! A choice had to be made!
A choice I dreaded like the plague I wanted it both. Why could I not have it all? Who said? Where was it written I had to choose. For about two weeks I struggled with the idea of having to give up my job. What would I do? How do I choose?
One minute I was ready to chuck it all and move, in the very next second I wanted to keep my job.
How to decide? My job has made me what I am now and would I lose that if I stopped working? How would I be able not to go into the only place which made me feel good? How do I give up all the friendships I have formed there? Could I even do that? It felt as if I was giving up such a big part of me. For what? A relationship? Something I was never really good at anyway! Can I, or better yet will I be able to take this chance on love? Even a love so deep it has lasted for thirty eight years?
I soul searched, with his help, without any pressure from him. He would agree to anything I wanted. A love that strong for me is unbelievable. He just wanted me to be happy!
I struggled, would I resent the relationship if I gave up everything? Would I resent him? In the future would I change into a monster because I had given up such a big part of me? Would I resent my career and not enjoy it so much if I gave him up? Would it have the same meaning to me after giving up the love of my life? Was it possible I would leave it anyway in the future and then have neither?
Through the soul searching I did learn a lot about myself.  I realized as much as I loved my job and career I loved him more.  It was at that minute I decided there was not a dilemma at all.
When I sit quiet and ponder my future I see him there, not a job or a career, but HIM! I have learned that when something exciting happens I want to talk to HIM! If I am upset or sad I want to talk to HIM!
As I look forward I can only imagine a life full of this man I have love so deeply, not a job, or even a career. As I picture my life, in my minds eye, I see the things, we, as a team will do. I understand now the love of a lifetime which is not going to be lost this time.  This is our time and nothing is going to take it away from me. I have decided to follow my own advice and follow my heart and soul.
 Bittersweet I call it! I realize in an instant he is way more important to me, and I look to a life filled with him. Following my heart instead of my head is difficult, for the first time in my life I am able to support myself and live on  my own. A life I have longed for. A career which I enjoy! People I respect! and yes I am chucking it all to follow my heart!
Because the bottom line is that I love him much, much more than my job. So there ends up not to be a dilemma at all! There is only one choice in the world for me. Get moving and pack up everything and move on. Move up to the mountain with the man I have loved all my adult life. Make it real and official, and be happier than I have been all my life.
And as always I thank God every waking minute he is back in my life.  I thank God for the strength to do what I must to begin our lives together. I also look forward to a future filled with love and compassion! To a home filled with all the happiness we have to be together, without the need for anything else but each other!

The most unlikely of places--Facebook!

The most unlikely of places--Facebook!
I finally against all odds and totally uncharacteristically of me I 'messaged' this old friend from high school. We went back and forth and it was not long before the subject of this person who I had thought of  for all those years came up. She informed me he was alive and living far away from here.
I tried to remain calm and look for the right words as to not give away too much.  I did not want to appear to eager for fear he was married or in a committed relationship.
My heart did cartwheels!
Just the mere thought he was alive and the shooting did not kill him as I had heard so many years before made my soul rejoice.
Of course I had to 'play' it cool!  Not seem to excited, I asked how he was and was told he had, yes, been shot and wounded, but had recovered and was living alone. My soul rejoiced and felt this really weird feeling of elation. He sent his phone number for me to call him.  I messaged back with my number and said he could call me. Part of me wanted to know if he really wanted to talk to me and if there was still a spark on his end. I was actually afraid to call him.
I went through a barrage of emotions! Could we actually see each other again?  Could we pick up where we had left off so many years ago? Would we still have the same connection? Did we still have that comfort of time gone past?
I had already Googled his number and knew where he lived so when the phone rang and I saw the caller ID I knew it was him.
Fear, excitement, panic set in.
I was afraid to answer the phone, afraid not to answer.
I answered finally which took every fiber of my being to sound unaffected by the call.
The first few seconds were awkward, but only the first few seconds. In actuality after the first hello's were done the magic was still there.  That voice which I remembered from years gone past melted my heart at that minute. Silly as it sounds.
As soon as the first hello's were spoken, as soon as the first words were over, I was so glad I answered and thankful for this opportunity.
My heart skipped one thousands beats and I realized no time had passed.
I did not know how he felt or what he thought, I only knew I was so glad he called and I answered.
We talked for some time rehashing what had gone on the past years when we had gone on with our life, the every day things old friends talk about. The first call was a reintroduction of each other.
Sure we had changed, we were older, more reserved and definitely more cautious.
Sitting listening to his voice I was reminded of all those years ago when we had 'hung out' together and of all the fun we had.
My heart and soul filled with the joy of a teenager! The more we talked the more I realized how I had cared for him all those years ago. Not the mushy, lusty kind of caring, but the deep down comfort of the soul caring.
As we were ready to hang up it was decided I would call the next night when I got home from work.
Thinking after the call I told myself I was being absurd!  All I knew at that minute was I wanted to talk to him more.
We had, oh so many years ago, a great thing! We spent many a night talking and laughing. There had never been an awkward minute between us.
Now, I had to wait until the next night to call. I had to wait a full twenty four hours! Somehow get through work the next day!
Thus the cat and mouse game started.
I knew it was going to resemble a sparring match of sorts.
Neither of us giving away too much information
As I lay in bed that night unable to sleep, thinking back to the times we had spent together I was filled with a sense of longing and knew my life had just changed.  Not knowing how or why, I just knew life was going to be different and that all my ideas of my future had changed.
Silly I knew from the first hello my soul was happy! I knew in my heart I had found my home again.
I feared he did not feel the same way.  I was scared beyond words, however, I also knew it was all going to be OK.
My heart was light and felt like I was teenager all over again. I could hardly believe he was in fact talking to me again. We had never had a bad thing happen between us. We did not argue or bicker we were always just happy to see each other, oh so many years ago.
My mind started to hope against all hope! Could we pick up again? Would we be able to rekindle the relationship we had let slip away so many years ago? Had we been so jaded by life we were both bitter.
For the first time in so long I started to think about letting someone into my heart again. Scared? yes, Excited, yes.
What I did not know after that first phone call was that my life was really going to change and that God had such big plans for me.  God has given us a gift so great. I did not know until later after a few more calls what that first call would or could have done for me, for him, and for the future.
Stay tuned..........

Just when all is planned, CRASH BOOM BAM

Driving home from work one night about a month ago listening to Delilah on the radio, feeling really sad and excited with the fact that I was going to build a life for myself.  I did think how nice it would be to have someone to share it with however, it was not a requirement. Actually kind of excited with the idea I had no one to answer to, no one to think about if I wanted to move to another state, and was contemplating a big move to the state of Alaska.  Looked like a fun place to go and was putting the plans in motion.

Delilah has callers calling with these love stories which usually melt my heart. This night there was a man calling, a voice full of love and emotion, catching my attention.  He had been "reconnected" to a woman from his past, some thirty years from his past. I was able to hear the tears in his voice. He was so exceptionally happy and his voice told the story.  They had dated while very young and for some reason had gone separate ways.  He really did not know why and had thought about her for all those years. One day they happen to cross paths and the rest is history.  They found they still loved each other, married and have been living incredibly happy since.
My mind wondered to the man I had dated in my early twenties and as I was fifty-six now thought if we would be that lucky.  Over the years I had often thought about him and wondered how he was, was he happy, did he have a family?  He was a wonderful man, exceptional human being, and I had cared for him immensely, yes and still did. It was at times like that I realized how much I still did care for him and missed him. I had not allowed myself to go back to those intense feelings, EVER.
I had tried to look him up when I moved back to my home town. When I mentioned it to my mother she had heard he was shot while on duty as a police officer, and had passed away.  I looked on the Internet for something, nothing.  I often started to the police station he worked at but always stopped myself, partly for fear he was actually gone and partly for fear he was happily married.  Not that I would have been unhappy for him but more sad for myself. All I ever wanted since we had lost touch was for him to be happy, he was well deserving.
So as I listened to the story on the radio melancholy set in and my mind wondered to thoughts of him and how nice it would be if he was alive and came back into my life. Would we, or could we pick up right where we left off? Was there a possibility he was alive and single? Believing as I do in "the other side" and being able to hear from people who have crossed over, I thought 'are you looking down on me?' Do you see me here thinking about you?  Have you met up with all the others I know who crossed over?
 I asked for answers from the Universe one way or the other.  Sent it out!  Knowing some how, some where the answers would come. Believing he had passed I expected to here verification of that. I finished my drive home and did not really think about it anymore.

I was excited about vacation, not that I was going anywhere, just for a whole week off. Catch up on things sell my eBay and Etsy try to do some writing and sorting out what to sell and what to save for the move coming.
Excited and apprehensive all at the same time. I knew in my heart it was time for a move I just liked my job a lot and hated to think about leaving it. I did look for a store on the way to transfer to. Thinking that was the way to go, just follow the transfers across the country.  Sightseeing along the way, cure two pleasures at once.  Keep my job which I really love and move around at the same time.  Since I am basically a loner it was exciting.  Just me and my cats off on the adventures of a life time. I am not sure they would think the same way though.
But then!!! The universe stepped in and gave me the answer I was not expecting in a most unexpected way.
Surprised? The biggest understatement of a lifetime. I sat and contemplated what to do next.
Not sure I wanted the answers! Not sure if I could ignore the answer!
Boy was I afraid, more like petrified to know for sure.
The Universe in it's funny way sends messages in different ways, this one came by the way of a Facebook message.
A message from his sister-in-law looking for me. Irony in that is we went to high school together and she 'wanted to reconnect', not sure I was up to that I waited almost seven days to answer her.
Partly fear, partly excited anticipation.
But in reality, in my heart, in my core I know what it was and had to laugh.
I had just made a conscious effort to move forward in my life and CRASH, BOOM, BAM! The Universe laughed and changed that.
Stay tuned for the next part......................................

Don't ever give up hope!

This is a short post to remind everyone never, ever give up hope for the impossible!
Just when I thought I had my life direction figured out along comes a very pleasant surprise.
 I am not ready to share it just yet, for fear that it will be ripped out of my life again, that will be for future posts.
Suffice it to say it is the most pleasant surprise in my life bar none.
It is a surprise which has answered many questions. It has also answered the questions why I have spent my life looking for something I could not find.
For the first time my heart feels whole, feels as if it has been put back together, and there in lies the reason I am not sharing it at this point. This time no one or nothing is going to destroy what my soul has waited for so very long.
I will reveal it in the future however, right now it feels like a dream from which I do not want to wake up from and find very hard to believe.
I have waited my entire life for this and never knew what it was I wanted or needed.
So the message for this post is not to ever give up looking for the part of you that is missing.
How do you know when you find it? It just feels right.
Deep in your heart and soul you know it.
It is the thing that fills you so full of love no one can possibly understand.
It makes everything coming before incidental.
Never; ever give up on finding it.

Another inspiring quote from one of my favorite web sites, http://www.tut.com/  I am always inspired from this site. The quote which follows was in my email today, just when I needed to believe in my dreams.

Having a dream, Susan, is awesome.

Having a dream and showing up every day, even when nothing seems to be happening, is priceless.

But having a dream and showing up every day, while sauntering, winking, and hugging everyone, is when the floodgates begin to tremble.

Hugs,
    The Universe

Sitting here watching the Titanic for the thousand time and knowing I have to follow my dreams and follow my heart, where that will take me I have no idea.  I have always followed the wind as it blew and it has always 'blew' me in the correct path.
I have, in the past few weeks, been thinking about what I really want, and am still not really sure.  I do know that part of me feels so very stuck, stuck in a place which has no soul around it.  I would like to live in a place of serenity.  Serenity is not necessarily about money or things, it is more about the beauty in everything around you.  How many can actually appreciate the beauty of the world around us.
I have lived in some of the most beautiful places and have a dream of moving to another beautiful place.
Maybe Alaska is not right for the now, but I have always had the dream to live there.  Just when I was ready to think it will be a dream unfulfilled I receive this message in my inbox this morning. 
This message reminds me to keep the dream alive and follow it. 
To do one thing everyday to keep the dream alive in my heart.  To remember all dreams are possible.
I do know I am not ready to give up on my dream yet, no matter how impossible it seems right now.
I would love to find someone who understands the longing in my heart and soul, and the wanderlust I feel every day, but that is not necessary for the dream, my dream.
This dream will not happen over night or maybe not even in the next six months, I am not totally insane and know the reality of it all. 
I do know I do not need things to be happy, I understand we need certain things like money to be able to live, but do not need it to be happy. Some of my happiest times in life was when I was picking clams and muscles off the beach for dinner, and I hate the taste of both, we just mixed with pasta and sauce covered the taste some.  For the past year I have been living to survive not to live. I have gotten so lost in the ideas everyone else thought I should be I almost lost me.
I decided to write these blogs for the money but, that has not worked out and now they have turned into blogs of inspiration. Inspiration which I hope inspires who ever reads them, if anyone actually does.  The longing in my soul makes want to write, about anything, does not matter what I just need to write.  I prefer longhand but this is easier and able to reach a wider audience!
As always follow my ebay http://myworld.ebay.com/spovio and etsy https://www.etsy.com/shop/Suestreasures2012 sites and look about I have a lot of jewelry for sale which I have made and wish to sell.

The tale of the Eisenhower Dollar!

The tale of the Eisenhower Dollar!
This afternoon I am feeling kind of hopeless and laying on the couch feeling alone, not lonely mind you.  I can say I very, very rarely feel lonely.  I needed to buy cream for my coffee and having only Eisenhower coin dollars I had received as tips years ago, I went to Wawa and took two of the dollars with a quarter I found at the bottom of my purse feeling full of self pity for the situation I have gotten myself into.  Knowing nobody uses them anymore and the cashiers usually look at them and have to think about them a minute.  I walk up to the register feeling very uncomfortable spending them.
I just know that everyone thinks, 'she is spending them cause she is broke.'  True I am broke, broker than I have ever been, with no where to turn for help. The cashier rings up my cream, all the time chatting with another girl that works there, not really paying attention to me until I embarassingly had her the two coin dollars and the one quarter. 
Feeling mortified that I had to spend those dollars. 
I hand her the coins and she becomes very excited and stated 'oh, I have to buy these for my mother! She will be thrilled!'  She was so happy to have them to make her mother happy about those two coins. 
With that one statement my glum mood lifts and I am reminded of the time years ago when I would go to a table after I had waited on a very kind couple and there would be an  'Eisenhower Dollar.'  I can still see the couple like it was yesterday and in actuality some twenty plus years have passed.  They were kind and easy to serve as I went through my day in the diner I worked.  I can remember we all wished we would get the couple just so we could get the very large coin, because as a waitress we would not spend it.  It was one way we could save.
In that very minute as I walked out of Wawa with my cream I went from feeling broke and poor, and embarressed, to feeling hope and happiness.  Happy because I made her feel so very happy. I was actually smiling as I left the store picturing the look on the cashier's face as she hands them to her mother.  The look of pride on her mother's face for the great child she has raised!
 My walk felt lighter and I felt as if a million pound weight of gloom and doom has lifted off my shoulders.  No, none of my problems have been solved!  No, I did not sell anything on eBay which I so desperately need to do! No, I did not find the three hundred dollars I need to have before Monday comes!  No, nothing in the physical world had changed at all!  What did change was my outlook on how I see things and I loose the hopelessness I felt before I went to buy a simple pint of cream for my coffee!  The self pity and aloneness I felt before I drove that simple mile to the store! 
Sadly, the cashier will probably never know how her reaction changed my entire day. Reminded me to have faith in the midst of the darkness and to know the Universal order of things always knows what we need when we need it the most.
Follw the link this http://myworld.ebay.com/spovio to look over my eBay merchandise and maybe buy a thing or two to help me make my three hundred dollars I need by Monday.
Thank You for listening.

Change

One thing I am finding out about myself is I do not like change.  It is not the actual change itself, for that is always a good thing, it is the anticipation of the change.  The waiting for it to take place.  I reach a point that I wish it was just over.  It is much easier to adapt to it then.
The waiting, the anticipation is always stressful.  It always feels like a pressure cooker waiting for the top to blow off.  I think because I am so sensitive to the 'feelings' around me and am able to pick up on them I become stressed. 
It can be good and excitement but the body still registers stress.
The body does not know the difference between good or bad, excitement or dread, it still senses it as stress.  The body reacts the same way to good and bad stress.
So in the event of change it is the leading up to the change which I find the hardest to deal with.  It comes to the point that I just want the change to occur, to be done with, to have the dust settle and be able to move on.
Funny how at my age I am still learning alot about 'me' and how I deal with things.
I know I stay when I should move on because the unknown is so scary.  I wait until I am forced to move on and the inevitable change takes me like a wave in the ocean.  The tumbling the turning of the water where it is impossible to fight against.  The water takes us where it wants to not where we think we should be going.
So at some point in the actual leading up to the changes we know are coming we just need to let the water take us where it will and just go with the flow.  For going with the flow is so much easier than fighting and keep the faith.
Keep the faith that we are on the path to where we are supposed to be at this point in life.
Follow the flow and not fight against it.
Just know that it will all be ok and that "they all lived happily ever after"

The Purple Mug

To anyone else it is just a $3.99 purple and green coffee mug however, to me it is the merging of two phases of my life. Purple and green, my two favorite colors in the same mug.  I have always like purple and the green which no one would ever put together, fascinates me.  It reminds me of so much. Mardi Gras, the motel across the street from us in Marathon Florida, the slot machines in the casino and the very, very different phases of my life.
I have used the same coca cola mug for ten years.  I brought it with me when I moved back, it always represented the life I had just left and thought I wanted to go back to.  So for the past ten years I have been really stuck, can't go back but can't move forward. So stuck in limbo is where I have spent the last ten years, floundering with no direction, no specific ways to go but one foot in front of the other.
I have been looking for a new mug but I guess I wasn't really ready to mesh all the parts of my life.  This purple and green coffee mug starts a very exciting new phase of my life. 
So to me it is not JUST a mug, but a whole new life for me.
 The purple and green mug looks happy, if a mug could be considered 'happy looking' it looks happy.  It reminds me to look forward with excited anticipation.  To always see the happy in every situation.  It is a daily reminder of how far I have come and how much I have to look forward to in this new life.
The 'mug' is my constant reminder how each new day is just that a new day to start on the journey.  We may slip and slide back into our old roles.  We are always more comfortable in the old because we know it. 
Walking forward into the unknown is scary and sometimes terrifying but still we must do it.  For, if we do not we become stuck in the roles that have been known and comfortable to us.  In that case we do not grow.  When I say grow it does not mean age it means just that grow.
Grow into what and where we are supposed to be when we are supposed to be there.
So after writing this I know that it is not any ordinary 'mug' I bought last week.   It is the future!  It is the beginning of a new growth period for me.
So that happy looking 'purple and green mug' is so much more than just a vat for coffee or tea.
It is my everyday reminder to look forward to the future with excitement and happiness.
It is an everyday reminder that the future holds so much more and all I have to do is to take the first step off the platform and trust there is a new life there for me.