We just spent the most glorious fifteen days together!

Waiting for him to arrive on that day, the day he was to come and stay with me, was different. After I came home from work I bustled around the house and thoughts went back in time and wondered how it could or would have been. I often think how excited I would have been waiting for him to come home from work! As I tinkered around doing last minute things waiting for him the excitement grew and I watched out the door every couple of minutes to see if his truck was pulling in the lot yet!
Oh! When it did I felt like that young twenty one year old waiting here for him to come over every night. Yes it was the same house he had spent so much time with me as young adults. My parents, my sister and brother and my baby, he spent many nights here with all of us watching TV and just "hanging out." We should have known then it was love but we were young and did not understand, or maybe both of us were just too shy to say anything.
Looking back now, how I wished I had told him how much I cared about him, how important he was to me, and how much I liked being with him. Shy and insecure I was afraid he would laugh at me and leave me alone, funny how we drifted apart anyway!
Just drifted apart! Never an argument, never a fight and we rarely ever disagreed on anything.
As I think back now, maybe, neither one of us was ready for that all encompassing love. We needed to experience life before we could ever realize what we have now and understand what we had then is not for the faint of heart. It is so intense it fills the heart and soul up to the point of almost being painful.
How, when we were young could we have ever understood that? Only now after the heartaches, and the pains suffered could we get it! Get it! that what we have is so very special!
A love so deep it reaches to the core of my being. A love that has transcended time and distance! A love which has endured the tests of time apart and picked up right were we left off so many years ago!
We just spent the most glorious fifteen days together! He stayed with me because of the commitments I have at work and home. I need to get packing while still working full time. It was difficult leaving for work every day while he was here but, it was so much better knowing he was here when I came home after a long day. Sure we still talked, and text during the day, seems like we never run out of things to say to each other.
During those fifteen days we learned we could live together! I know he was bored while I worked. I know he wished he was at his house! What a sacrifice he made to be here and how I appreciate that! We are so alike in the feeling we both like to be home, so I know how difficult it was for him.
I also am so grateful I did not have to wait three weeks to spend time with him.
We did simple things like any old married couple would do, eat dinner, watch TV at night and fall asleep on the couch. Some nights I would doze off and when I woke up I would catch him looking at me!
Looking at me like he could not believe it was me napping on his leg while we were 'watching' TV. What a joy for me to see the love in his eyes as he watched me sleep. Pure, simply, undying love flowed out of his eyes. I would turn and he would just smile at me, knowing I had caught him looking at me, again!
I have never felt so loved and secure in the knowledge he would forever hold and cherish my heart and not break it. Just as I will with his! I will cherish his heart until the end of time!
I will be forever thankful for the love and time we have now, however long that may be! I have him, HIM, back in my life and I realize how very special a man he is!  Still, every time I think to myself, it is him, my eyes fill up and I cry, tears of overwhelming emotion run down my face for the love I have, and the joy of being able to spend the rest of my life with him. Each and every day, morning and night I thank God for the gift I have been given, the privilege of him loving me!
Of course we went out to dinner a couple of times and it felt a little odd going out together, we did not go out while we were seeing each other so many years ago. We were always just happy being together! It never mattered what we did at all, only that we did it together. Dummy us we did not realize that was love. It was not the lustful love of the movies, it was not a fleeting feeling where once we were away it was forgotten. It was and still is a deep heart and soul kind of love.
This was wonderful and I despised the idea he had to leave. He had commitments at home and needed to be there. I counted the days when I was to drive up there.
Five! Five long days apart!
Five days before I could touch his face! Sit next to him! See him!
How would I make it? After waiting thirty five years could I survive five days?
I was not sure if my heart could take it again, this separation, of our lives.

I love my job BUT I love him more

I love my job, it never feels like work.  I have been there for four years and counting.
I planned a career there!
I had a lot of respect for the company I work for and value the ethics and integrity of it. I have spent four years of training to move ahead into a full career there and loved every minute of it. Sure, there were days I would be worn out and wonder why, why was I doing it? But I still looked forward to the challenges of a new day. Looked forward to the solutions of the challenges each day brought with it.  Yes, the money is good, but, by far the greatest part was the opportunities it allowed me.
Every day I looked forward to going in!  The people there were part of my extended family. It was there I went when my mom was sick and dying for the comfort of friends. It was there I went when I felt sad or lonely, happy or excited, I shared my life there each and every day.
So this "new me" the happy me, the part of me which no one there has seen before took everyone by surprise. One of my coworkers said one time "it is great to hear you laugh, really laugh" "it is great to see you happy." I did not realize how much they paid attention to my sadness, to my emptiness.  One of my coworkers said to me "we wanted you to be happy! We didn't want you to leave to do so"  There in lies the dilemma!
I can't have it both! Distance is too far, a five and a half hour commute is beyond reason, and the closest store is still a two and a half hour drive.
So! A choice had to be made!
A choice I dreaded like the plague I wanted it both. Why could I not have it all? Who said? Where was it written I had to choose. For about two weeks I struggled with the idea of having to give up my job. What would I do? How do I choose?
One minute I was ready to chuck it all and move, in the very next second I wanted to keep my job.
How to decide? My job has made me what I am now and would I lose that if I stopped working? How would I be able not to go into the only place which made me feel good? How do I give up all the friendships I have formed there? Could I even do that? It felt as if I was giving up such a big part of me. For what? A relationship? Something I was never really good at anyway! Can I, or better yet will I be able to take this chance on love? Even a love so deep it has lasted for thirty eight years?
I soul searched, with his help, without any pressure from him. He would agree to anything I wanted. A love that strong for me is unbelievable. He just wanted me to be happy!
I struggled, would I resent the relationship if I gave up everything? Would I resent him? In the future would I change into a monster because I had given up such a big part of me? Would I resent my career and not enjoy it so much if I gave him up? Would it have the same meaning to me after giving up the love of my life? Was it possible I would leave it anyway in the future and then have neither?
Through the soul searching I did learn a lot about myself.  I realized as much as I loved my job and career I loved him more.  It was at that minute I decided there was not a dilemma at all.
When I sit quiet and ponder my future I see him there, not a job or a career, but HIM! I have learned that when something exciting happens I want to talk to HIM! If I am upset or sad I want to talk to HIM!
As I look forward I can only imagine a life full of this man I have love so deeply, not a job, or even a career. As I picture my life, in my minds eye, I see the things, we, as a team will do. I understand now the love of a lifetime which is not going to be lost this time.  This is our time and nothing is going to take it away from me. I have decided to follow my own advice and follow my heart and soul.
 Bittersweet I call it! I realize in an instant he is way more important to me, and I look to a life filled with him. Following my heart instead of my head is difficult, for the first time in my life I am able to support myself and live on  my own. A life I have longed for. A career which I enjoy! People I respect! and yes I am chucking it all to follow my heart!
Because the bottom line is that I love him much, much more than my job. So there ends up not to be a dilemma at all! There is only one choice in the world for me. Get moving and pack up everything and move on. Move up to the mountain with the man I have loved all my adult life. Make it real and official, and be happier than I have been all my life.
And as always I thank God every waking minute he is back in my life.  I thank God for the strength to do what I must to begin our lives together. I also look forward to a future filled with love and compassion! To a home filled with all the happiness we have to be together, without the need for anything else but each other!