We just spent the most glorious fifteen days together!

Waiting for him to arrive on that day, the day he was to come and stay with me, was different. After I came home from work I bustled around the house and thoughts went back in time and wondered how it could or would have been. I often think how excited I would have been waiting for him to come home from work! As I tinkered around doing last minute things waiting for him the excitement grew and I watched out the door every couple of minutes to see if his truck was pulling in the lot yet!
Oh! When it did I felt like that young twenty one year old waiting here for him to come over every night. Yes it was the same house he had spent so much time with me as young adults. My parents, my sister and brother and my baby, he spent many nights here with all of us watching TV and just "hanging out." We should have known then it was love but we were young and did not understand, or maybe both of us were just too shy to say anything.
Looking back now, how I wished I had told him how much I cared about him, how important he was to me, and how much I liked being with him. Shy and insecure I was afraid he would laugh at me and leave me alone, funny how we drifted apart anyway!
Just drifted apart! Never an argument, never a fight and we rarely ever disagreed on anything.
As I think back now, maybe, neither one of us was ready for that all encompassing love. We needed to experience life before we could ever realize what we have now and understand what we had then is not for the faint of heart. It is so intense it fills the heart and soul up to the point of almost being painful.
How, when we were young could we have ever understood that? Only now after the heartaches, and the pains suffered could we get it! Get it! that what we have is so very special!
A love so deep it reaches to the core of my being. A love that has transcended time and distance! A love which has endured the tests of time apart and picked up right were we left off so many years ago!
We just spent the most glorious fifteen days together! He stayed with me because of the commitments I have at work and home. I need to get packing while still working full time. It was difficult leaving for work every day while he was here but, it was so much better knowing he was here when I came home after a long day. Sure we still talked, and text during the day, seems like we never run out of things to say to each other.
During those fifteen days we learned we could live together! I know he was bored while I worked. I know he wished he was at his house! What a sacrifice he made to be here and how I appreciate that! We are so alike in the feeling we both like to be home, so I know how difficult it was for him.
I also am so grateful I did not have to wait three weeks to spend time with him.
We did simple things like any old married couple would do, eat dinner, watch TV at night and fall asleep on the couch. Some nights I would doze off and when I woke up I would catch him looking at me!
Looking at me like he could not believe it was me napping on his leg while we were 'watching' TV. What a joy for me to see the love in his eyes as he watched me sleep. Pure, simply, undying love flowed out of his eyes. I would turn and he would just smile at me, knowing I had caught him looking at me, again!
I have never felt so loved and secure in the knowledge he would forever hold and cherish my heart and not break it. Just as I will with his! I will cherish his heart until the end of time!
I will be forever thankful for the love and time we have now, however long that may be! I have him, HIM, back in my life and I realize how very special a man he is!  Still, every time I think to myself, it is him, my eyes fill up and I cry, tears of overwhelming emotion run down my face for the love I have, and the joy of being able to spend the rest of my life with him. Each and every day, morning and night I thank God for the gift I have been given, the privilege of him loving me!
Of course we went out to dinner a couple of times and it felt a little odd going out together, we did not go out while we were seeing each other so many years ago. We were always just happy being together! It never mattered what we did at all, only that we did it together. Dummy us we did not realize that was love. It was not the lustful love of the movies, it was not a fleeting feeling where once we were away it was forgotten. It was and still is a deep heart and soul kind of love.
This was wonderful and I despised the idea he had to leave. He had commitments at home and needed to be there. I counted the days when I was to drive up there.
Five! Five long days apart!
Five days before I could touch his face! Sit next to him! See him!
How would I make it? After waiting thirty five years could I survive five days?
I was not sure if my heart could take it again, this separation, of our lives.

I love my job BUT I love him more

I love my job, it never feels like work.  I have been there for four years and counting.
I planned a career there!
I had a lot of respect for the company I work for and value the ethics and integrity of it. I have spent four years of training to move ahead into a full career there and loved every minute of it. Sure, there were days I would be worn out and wonder why, why was I doing it? But I still looked forward to the challenges of a new day. Looked forward to the solutions of the challenges each day brought with it.  Yes, the money is good, but, by far the greatest part was the opportunities it allowed me.
Every day I looked forward to going in!  The people there were part of my extended family. It was there I went when my mom was sick and dying for the comfort of friends. It was there I went when I felt sad or lonely, happy or excited, I shared my life there each and every day.
So this "new me" the happy me, the part of me which no one there has seen before took everyone by surprise. One of my coworkers said one time "it is great to hear you laugh, really laugh" "it is great to see you happy." I did not realize how much they paid attention to my sadness, to my emptiness.  One of my coworkers said to me "we wanted you to be happy! We didn't want you to leave to do so"  There in lies the dilemma!
I can't have it both! Distance is too far, a five and a half hour commute is beyond reason, and the closest store is still a two and a half hour drive.
So! A choice had to be made!
A choice I dreaded like the plague I wanted it both. Why could I not have it all? Who said? Where was it written I had to choose. For about two weeks I struggled with the idea of having to give up my job. What would I do? How do I choose?
One minute I was ready to chuck it all and move, in the very next second I wanted to keep my job.
How to decide? My job has made me what I am now and would I lose that if I stopped working? How would I be able not to go into the only place which made me feel good? How do I give up all the friendships I have formed there? Could I even do that? It felt as if I was giving up such a big part of me. For what? A relationship? Something I was never really good at anyway! Can I, or better yet will I be able to take this chance on love? Even a love so deep it has lasted for thirty eight years?
I soul searched, with his help, without any pressure from him. He would agree to anything I wanted. A love that strong for me is unbelievable. He just wanted me to be happy!
I struggled, would I resent the relationship if I gave up everything? Would I resent him? In the future would I change into a monster because I had given up such a big part of me? Would I resent my career and not enjoy it so much if I gave him up? Would it have the same meaning to me after giving up the love of my life? Was it possible I would leave it anyway in the future and then have neither?
Through the soul searching I did learn a lot about myself.  I realized as much as I loved my job and career I loved him more.  It was at that minute I decided there was not a dilemma at all.
When I sit quiet and ponder my future I see him there, not a job or a career, but HIM! I have learned that when something exciting happens I want to talk to HIM! If I am upset or sad I want to talk to HIM!
As I look forward I can only imagine a life full of this man I have love so deeply, not a job, or even a career. As I picture my life, in my minds eye, I see the things, we, as a team will do. I understand now the love of a lifetime which is not going to be lost this time.  This is our time and nothing is going to take it away from me. I have decided to follow my own advice and follow my heart and soul.
 Bittersweet I call it! I realize in an instant he is way more important to me, and I look to a life filled with him. Following my heart instead of my head is difficult, for the first time in my life I am able to support myself and live on  my own. A life I have longed for. A career which I enjoy! People I respect! and yes I am chucking it all to follow my heart!
Because the bottom line is that I love him much, much more than my job. So there ends up not to be a dilemma at all! There is only one choice in the world for me. Get moving and pack up everything and move on. Move up to the mountain with the man I have loved all my adult life. Make it real and official, and be happier than I have been all my life.
And as always I thank God every waking minute he is back in my life.  I thank God for the strength to do what I must to begin our lives together. I also look forward to a future filled with love and compassion! To a home filled with all the happiness we have to be together, without the need for anything else but each other!

The Visists

Now, some days after that first visit, yes first of three, all in two weeks. I still had to come home to work.
Sounds funny driving almost six hours each way and talking about visits like he was around the corner.
Oh how I wish!
The first visit was magical! We caught up on things. Spent many hours awake, afraid to sleep, did not want to waste time. Time, so precious now since I was required to go back to the real world.. Some how during those five days I knew he was to become my 'real world' now!
My life was to change in ways I would never had expected!
We talked about me trying to get a transfer closer. I did think I could get closer than three hundred miles away. I could rent an apartment, I was already planning to move anyway, what did it matter where. Now that he was back in my life I knew the direction I wanted to go. No, I did not want to move in with him, I had vowed some years earlier I would never live with a man again, I just wanted to be closer. Maybe to see each other more than every few months. That was the reality of the situation.
Yes, He was and is the love of my life! Yes, he was, and still is my best friend, and he is who I want to share the silly things with, the really big things and the everyday things . But in the same house? Under the same roof? That, I was not sure of. Scared, petrified and excited would be the emotions I felt!
We just needed to figure out the logistics of the situation. I knew we would. I also knew I was not letting this slip out of my life again. I had made that mistake twice before and would not allow it again.... Older and wiser now, I knew I loved him beyond belief and now knew he felt the same.
Sitting on the porch over morning coffee we would stop talking and just look at each other, then reach out and touch. Just to know it was real. The intensity of the feelings were hard to imagine, even harder to believe. I know I was having a difficult time understanding where they were coming from. So much time had past! But as we sat there it was if our hearts had been connected for all that time!
Leaving there that time was, oh, so difficult.
Not knowing when I would see him again, not wanting for the "heaven" of us to be over I stalled for as long as I could.
Then the time came! Time to leave!  I could put it off for no longer.
Pulling out of that driveway it felt as if I left my heart and soul there. The tears came! They were falling onto my lap before I was even to the end. Looking out the window and back at the house I saw him waving and knew in that minute both of our hearts were breaking. It felt as if something was being ripped from my core. Grabbed away from me again...
I knew then that what he asked me with tears in his eyes, on that beautiful porch, on the side of that mountain, was no lie. No one ever looked at me with such love in their eyes! Just as I was! He loved me! Me! The same way I loved him, just because he was him! Not because of what I wanted him to be but because of who he was!
I loved him just because he was alive! Basic and simple as that was. He was ALIVE!!
We needed to be together for all time and I was to start the process of moving there. It was his idea! Not mine! For I never wanted to live with anyone again! I stayed away from any type of relationship, that was a bad word for me I was no good at them!
Before I was even home I was thinking about how long before I would be able to go back up. I knew I needed to go back there and see him, I knew he wanted me to come back. I could see it in his eyes as I left.
I stopped at work and looked at the schedule and with a little switching I found out I could drive there for two days the following week. I text him and the surprise and the happiness in his message said it all.
The plans were in motion. Our hearts and soul were ruling us this time! We had no option, we had to be. The chance now, to do what we should have done so many years ago was back, fate had stepped in and gave us a third chance at this love we felt.  We were older and knew our time was limited just by age. We had to be together.
That second visit was more planning and thinking. We only had two and a half days that time and needed to have many serious discussions. Sure there was the fun! This was the real test! We were able to still laugh and have fun while deciding how to move forward together.
We so looked forward to the future. I as I have never done before. Always living in the moment I very rarely made plans for the future. My thinking was and still is, things could be gone in an instant! I found myself looking forward to the future with him. I found myself planning for the future!  I had to leave and get back to work. As difficult as that was I knew we were to be forever bound. I left that time with more confidence we would not stray apart as we had so many years ago. I left there feeling very, very loved!  I knew we were forever bound! And that the future with this man I had loved for my entire adult life was coming true. He was and is, and will always be the love of my life! I wanted more that anything to make him happy, to make us happy...
The third visit..............
I left on Saturday morning to be to work at one o'clock, so I had to leave early in the morning for the five and half drive home. There were no plans to go there for a few weeks. I had to work all day Sunday and was to get done at eight p.m. Through the day we text back and forth a lot.  We had so much to 'say' to each other. Sometime through the day I started to toy with the idea of driving back up after work and then dismissed it. Silly! I had just left a little over twenty four hours ago. I also knew I needed to be there again. I needed to see him as I had never needed anyone ever! It was ridiculous! I knew that.
I started to toy with the times in my head and leaving after work would put me there at around four am. Silly since I had to leave by noon on Tuesday to be to work on Wednesday. Give us a little over a day to be together again.
I made the decision to go and called to say at eight thirty I would be on the road there. Of course he was concerned, the worst part of the drive my phone did not work, no service. This being the most dangerous part of the ride, all back roads, very dark and no cell service. But I did it! I had no option I had to be there with him.
How can I ever explain the necessity of seeing him? I could not explain it to myself. This time I did not tell a soul, it was a secret get away just for us. I relished the idea of going there, I was oh so excited to be able to see him again. I called from the last point I had service and he said he would be awake. I told him to take a nap and I would be there as safely and quickly as I could. Sure I was tired, sure I was a little scared, but the idea of being in the same house again with him by my side was the momentum which kept me awake and driving.
That day and half was heaven! We used the time to be together as if it was an extra present on a holiday.
We revealed how much we enjoyed to be together, and on that visit we both knew we needed to be under the same roof! We needed to spend the rest of our time together! Silly as it sounds at our age. I knew I would  not be able to not be with him. I also knew I would move heaven and earth to wake up next to him every day for the rest of our lives. I knew I wanted to go to sleep next to him every night for the rest of our lives.
I had waited thirty eight years for this kind of love to come back to me and I was not allowing it to go away.
There is nothing like getting a third chance at this kind of love and connection. It was that third visit where I understood the love we had had for each other all those years we had been apart, when we had married different people and had lived full lives.
I now knew what had been missing from mine for oh so many years. This visit only proved to reenforce the things we felt.
The plans were set in motion with excited anticipation.  The time of being apart was soon to be over and we would be starting this part of the journey together for the rest of our lives.
Not time, or space or anything would be able to separate us now as they had for so many years.
We were older and knew the value of time! We also had the appreciation for the connection we had to each other. We learned in that very first hug after so many years we had been bound together for ever and now our silly heads had caught up to our hearts and we made the plans.
Leaving that day was harder than the first for now we knew how it would be! We knew the joy of being together all the time. We understood the true meaning of soul mates. The emptiness in our hearts was gone and had been replaced with love and gratitude to God for giving us this third chance and we decided then and there it was not going to drift away again.  Yes some said it was fast but to us it had taken thirty five years to get to this point and we did not want to allow one more day to be taken from us so the wheels were set in motion and we were off to start our new lives together.
Yeah! My heart cried! and my soul rejoiced at the reality of him!
Again I thanked God for this very special gift and vowed to not throw it away. How many get a chance to have this kind of love? A love so binding that time and years could not and did not take away from us.
A love so special which so few have and even fewer appreciate it when they do.

The meeting of a lifetime

And the story continues:

I waited the full twenty-four hours to call, hard as that was. I could not wait to hear his voice. I wanted to call all day and was so afraid to call early, not wanting to push things. It was to be, in fact only the second time I would talk to him in thirty-five years. I was cautious! Oh so cautious! I was afraid! Excited!
We laughed and talked, talked and laughed for hours. Mostly small talk.  Through some of the conversation we did filled each other in on our lives while we had been apart.
We both had heartache and happiness. We shared it all, no secrets between us, never had been.  While we talked we tried to figure out what had happen all those years ago. Neither of us had a clue. We looked back and  both remembered with fondness at how close we were.
While we were on the phone through the conversations we both admitted we would never get married again, neither wanting any type of relationship for fear of being hurt again. I was afraid of making a mistake again and had closed off any and all feelings which enabled me to create any relationship.  I did not want to get hurt again and if I did not get involved I could not get hurt.
I was moving forward!
Amazingly after the second phone call I realized I still loved this man, I had loved him since I was eighteen years old. I remembered the night I fell in love with him, I remembered the exact minute he captured my heart and has held it all these years. No, I did not tell him this fact, it was not the time. That was for a later date, maybe, unsure of how he felt.
Did he want to continue our friendship or was he just being nice to me. This is his personality, he never wanted to hurt someones feelings. Was he being like this to me, being nice as not to hurt my feelings? I was afraid. In actuality it took another two calls before I began to think there was a chance for us. Two long calls later where I finally started to realize he did care for me too. Could it be possible he wanted to talk to me as much as I wanted to talk to him. Did he wait to call me with the same anticipation in which I waited for him to call?
Every time the phone rang and it had the town on it I would be thrilled. My heart filled up and then it did not matter anymore it was only us in the world. Was this love? Is this what love felt like?
Then he spilled the beans and said " I think we were in love back then and were to dumb to realize it"
I was dumbfounded! Was it really possible he cared for me as much as I cared for him?
One day early in the morning I decided to text him. Since we had shared cell phone numbers I threw caution to the wind and text him. I am still not sure what made me text him, but I sure wish we had had texting so many years ago.
We 'said' more in those texts than we did on the phone. There was not the fear of hearing the tone of the voice and the ability to be honest and open was much easier.
It was then I decided to go visit him and see if the sparks were still there.  Still very cautious I only told one person at work, the one person who would be rooting for me. I did tell my sister I was going there and she was thrilled. She told me of all the people I had dated in the past he was her favorite.
I needed to go see if we still had it and it was not just the romantic hopes of a young twenty-one year old.
Did we have the spark?   I made my plans and told him I was going to visit. The sound of his voice I was not sure if he was happy or afraid. I did not know if I was excited or afraid. I only knew I had to take this totally uncharacteristic chance of a lifetime.
Could we possibly go back or better yet would we be able to continue on this journey through life together? Would we be able to move forward into the future this time?
I started with going from Tuesday to Thursday, I needed to know I was only going to be there for a few days. What if it was awful? What if we actually had nothing to say to each other? What would happen if I was not the same person he remembered.
We had told each other, or tried to tell each other how we had changed. We both had aged and lacking confidence we both were afraid the other would not like how we looked now. I knew in my heart looks did not matter, it was the connection, was it still there?
 The longer we talked the more we laughed and shared our dreams I knew in my heart that I needed to stay longer. I decided to go up on Monday instead and had to hold myself back from going on Sunday. I knew he was spending time with his son on Monday and did not want to go there yet. He said I could go with him but I was not ready for that yet. I needed to know about us. This was our time to figure it all out, our time to either reconnect or put closure to the past.
We shared how excited we were, how cautious we felt. We spent hours on the phone nightly, so long some nights it killed the battery in my phone.
Finally the day before I was ready to leave and while packing I texted him and told him not to play with my feelings. If he was just being the nice guy and not wanting to say no, not to make me drive up there. His answer was 'no he was not playing.' It was at that minute I realized he was as nervous as I was.
The day was here! I got ready to leave!
Not knowing where I was going I wanted to leave plenty of time to get there. Who was I kidding I wanted to get there. The ride was long and I did a lot of thinking and soul searching, just as I had since I knew he was in fact alive. I tried to understand the pull of him. The reason I HAD to go there.  Who drives five and half hours on a whim.
What or who was the force which drove me to something so out of the normal for me.  I did not like to stay anywhere away from home specially some one's house I have not seen or talked to for thirty some years. I did not know what to expect. The barrage of emotions I felt on the way there was overwhelming at times, and I would catch myself start to cry. My mind wandered at times looking back over the years and everyone I had been involved with. Each of them had some of the characteristics this man had.  The tears just poured down my face and I felt like my heart was going to burst. I was OK while I was not thinking about who I was going to visit, but as soon as I remembered it was him, it was almost too much for me to feel.
After the long drive up then down the mountains I arrived.
He was not there and I was glad. I knew the timing would be close since he had been out for the afternoon.  I was happy I got there before he did. Gave me time to unkink myself from the car and take in the area. I was in awe, I had in fact driven there on blind faith. The amount of emotions I felt was from fear to elation.
I could hardly wait for him to get there. Did we have a chance? Could we move forward?
I waited on the porch and it was only about ten minutes. Felt like hours. Felt like seconds.
Then I heard it! The truck pulling into the driveway, slowly up the stones. Seemed like it took hours but in reality only seconds. I stood up and he got out of the truck.
Not even taking the time to close the truck door we met halfway between the porch and the truck.
I grabbed his face and he hugged me. We melted and it was if all the years disappeared.
I knew at that very minute, in that second which he grabbed me and hugged me like he had so many years ago, I was finally home.
I had found the love I had been looking for all my life.
I knew in that minute we would never be separated again. We would  be on this leg of the journey together, forever. I knew then why I had driven there on faith and an inner feeling of safety.  After what seemed like forever we moved.  He closed the truck door and we went inside.
Sure we had changed, we had aged, but at that second in eternity we were those two young people who had loved each other so many years ago.
Beyond belief the love was still there! I know I was comforted beyond belief! I was so very happy.
My heart and soul finally had their home. I, at that minute knew, he was who I had been searching for my entire adult life. A little sad, we had had it and allowed it to slip away.
I secretly thanked God for the gift of us.
Incredibly grateful for this third chance at this incredible amount of love I felt. For the first time in my life I felt full. My heart felt complete. The emotion made me want to cry.
Even as I write this now a little over a month since that first reconnection I cry thinking how incredible lucky I am to have my best friend from so long ago back.
The only person I felt comfortable and safe enough to tell my darkest secrets to and have him still love me. The only person in this world I wanted to share my life with unconditionally forever. Then miracle upon miracles he felt the same way.
I watched him look at me with such love it made my heart warm. In those first few hours we learned so much about each other and how intense the feelings were.  We talked and laughed the days away. There were plenty of times I reached over and touched his hand to physically know he was there. Looking over at him I could not believe how lucky I was, how very blessed, to be in the same room after all those years. I can honestly say I was and am the happiest I have ever been in my life.  The idea that he could possibly, maybe be just as happy is indescribable.
How can I ever thank God enough for this incredible gift?  If there ever was a miracle it occurred right there on that driveway, way up in the mountains.  I felt as if I was on top of the world. There was no way I was letting this slip out of my life again.  Would third time be the charm?  Could we let down the walls around our emotions slip down and say what we needed to, to be able to allow our hearts and souls feel what they were telling us?
While there I knew this was not the last time for us, it was the beginning of an entire new life, not just for me but for both of us. Putting the past to rest and finally being able to spend the rest of my life with my best friend, with my soul mate and the person I had loved for more than half my life.
Every night I thank God for the gift he has given to me, the gift of this man!